I went to tuck my kindergartner into bed the other night and she was happily curled up, writing on a piece of paper.

I sat on her bed and asked her what she was working on.

Letters, she said innocently enough.

Letters to who? Can I see them?

Reluctantly, she passed the letters over.

In her Kindergarten phonetic spelling, her finished letter read:

Dear Micaela, We don’t want to play with you. Please don’t be mean anymore.

And she didn’t sign her name to it.

My jaw dropped and my heart leaped.

Trying to stay calm, we had a conversation about Micaela.

It turns out, Micaela has never been mean to my daughter. But my daughter’s other friends convinced her she should be mean to Micaela because Micaela was “mean” to them.

My daughter was doing the bidding of her friends.

My daughter was writing a mean letter to another kindergartner.

Behind her sweet smile and twirly skirts and pigtails, my daughter was the mean girl.

And it broke my heart.

Kindness Matters and We Have to Intentionally Teach It

In our family, we only have two rules. One is to listen the first time and the other is to be kind.

We talk about kindness all the time. We model it at home. We have signs hanging up in our house as reminders to Choose Kind.

We praise kindness and we place value on it.

Because in our home, the stakes feel higher.

My eldest daughter was bullied heavily in her last school. So while I teach my kids they don’t need to be friends with everyone, we do tell them they need to be kind to everyone.

Even if someone is being mean to them, my kids know we expect them to take the high road.

They can walk away from mean kids without throwing back insults. They don’t join in on teasing or belittling or trash talking. And they don’t need to hit back, literally or figuratively, when they feel attacked.

They can still be kind when surrounded by meanness.

When we moved schools, it saved my eldest daughter. She now has a group of kind friends who have lifted her up. Her new friends made school a wonderful place to be again.

But the move and new school seem to have propelled my youngest daughter into a new crew of girls who missed the memo on kindness.

When this particular group of girls invited my daughter in I was thrilled.

Transitioning to a new school mid-year is never easy. Being the new kid is never easy.

My six-year-old left behind sweet and loving friends and came here and knew almost no one.

So, of course, I was beyond grateful when she made instant friends in the Kindergarten yard.

But I should’ve paid more attention.

I should have realized even though these girls welcomed my daughter in, they aren’t so welcoming to other girls.

They’re in a little group, club, and pact that invites in some while excluding others. And that’s no group I want my kids to be associated with.

I needed to pull the plug immediately.

Mean Girls start as early as Kindergarten

We often associate mean girls and teasing and bullying as an older kid issue. We assume there’s no way it could happen with five and six-year-olds.

Oh, but it can.

Often, these girls who partake in mean girl behavior at a young age have older siblings who treat them this way. Or at the very least it’s being modeled by their older siblings.

And young kids who have older siblings tend to watch older tween-centered TV shows where sass, sarcasm and balk talk are all part of the “humor.”

So many of our young girls are exposed to social exclusion as early as Kindergarten.

Little girls can be cruel. And if you listen carefully, you’ll hear it before you see it:

• “I’m not going to be your friend today,”
• “Don’t play with her or I won’t be your friend,”
• “You’re not wearing pink so you can’t play with us today,”
• “You can’t play on the monkey bars because your name doesn’t start with an M or an A.”

Our girls are navigating the social rules of society and they are trying to figure it out in the sandbox and on the jungle gym.

But our kids are often supervised by too few adults who are trained to look for more obvious signs of aggressive behavior: hitting, pushing, and grabbing.

So socially aggressive behaviors such as exclusion, conditional friendship, and teasing are easily overlooked by adults.

Yard duty staff are not trained to look for it.

So as parents, we have to.

We have to pay better attention.

We have to know our kids’ friends. And we have to know their parents.

We have to carpool and listen to the kids’ banter. We have to invite kids over to our house and watch them interact.

We need to really know these kids because they are directly influencing our child and their behaviors. They are “teaching” our kids what is and is not acceptable, fair, kind, and “allowed.”

And what our kids’ peers deem as appropriate behavior may or may not jive with our family’s values.

So my daughter is in for a few changes because we have to nip this mean girl behavior in the bud before it morphs and grows and becomes her normal.

We have to help her when the stakes are low and we can back up this behavior and pour even more of our family’s values into her social awareness.

And when we see letters like this one, we have to put a stop to the social exclusion of other children.

What to do if your daughter is the mean girl or if you want to prevent unkind behaviors:

 To prevent kids from becoming a mean girl:

1. Talk to your kids using open-ended questions to get real answers. And know it will take more than one conversation. Try talking when you’re tucking them into bed or when you’re driving in the car. Who did you play with? What do you play together? Who else plays with you? Who is a good friend? What makes them a good friend? Tell me more about Jenny…what makes you like being with her?

2. Teach your kids to be includers. I tell my kids their job at recess is to invite one new kid to join in and play with them. Including others is one of the kindest things kids can do for their classmates. For my daughter, she now has to go and purposefully invite Micaela to play with her on the monkey bars.

Related: Is Your Kid an Includer? Here’s Why They Should Be. 

3. Discuss peer pressure with your kids. Kids need to know their friends may tell them what to do but they need to stop and think, is this a good choice? Is this a kind choice? Is this the right choice for me and my body? I remind my kids they don’t have to do what their friends tell them to do if it’s not safe or kind. They can stop and make a choice for themselves.

4. Label kind and unkind actions and words. When we see or hear our kids being kind, we tell them. When we see or hear our kids being unkind, we tell them. We focus on the actions rather than the person by saying “Ripping her paper was an unkind choice,” or “Offering your sister a bite was a kind thing to do.” This is more has a more positive impact than “You are mean.”

5. Use the powerful phrase, “You’re the kind of kid who…”  and fill in the blank:“Treats others with kindness, invites others to play, is kind even when other people are mean.”

6. Read books about kindness and what it means to be a good friend.

Try these:

Strictly No Elephants 

Pink Tiara Cookies for Three

How to Be a Friend

The Golden Rule

Be Kind

One Caring Kid

If you want more book ideas for raising kind kids, check out this list.

What to do when we suspect or know our daughter is the “mean girl”:

1. Keep doing 1-6 from up above and…

2. Talk to your child’s teacher and let them know what’s going on. They may already know, but chances are, they don’t see it. What happens at recess rarely gets back to the teachers unless the yard duty staff sees a pattern of negative behaviors.

3. Ask your child’s teacher to suggest kind friends who would be a positive influence on your child. Invite those kids over for playdates. Soon.

4. Avoid social interactions with girls you realize are not positive influences for your child. We don’t ban our kids from playing with unkind friends but there’s no reason to invite them over or say “yes” to playdates at their house.

5. Remind your kids to be kind always. Even to kids who are mean. Talk about it often. Ask them what kind looks like. If a friend is crying, what could you do? If a kid is playing by themselves, what could you do? If your friend is being mean to someone else, what can you do or say?

6. Help kids apologize or make amends if necessary. Discuss meaningful apologies versus an empty “sorry” and why it matters.

As I tucked my daughter into bed that night I told her she was a kind girl. I told her she was the kind of kid who made sure her friends all felt included and were invited to play.

But then I told her she must have forgotten she was a kind girl.

I told her the choices she made were not kind and it’s not okay in our family.

I told her I would be helping her make kinder choices since she showed me she wasn’t ready to do it on her own.

I hugged her, kissed her, and said my goodnights.

And then I went and cried, pulled myself together, and wrote an email to her teacher. And to Micaela’s mom.

Because we’re inviting Micaela over for a playdate tomorrow.

The post What to Do If You Think Your Daughter is the Mean Girl appeared first on Coffee and Carpool: Intentionally Raising Kind Kids.

My husband’s company often moves its employees and their families around the country for job opportunities.

One family moved to California for a year, and in order to make the most of it, they ate at In-n-Out and went to the beach every weekend.

And when it was our turn to move across the country, we made sure to make the most of our time too, while making sure that we connect with each other in more meaningful ways.

So we became tourists in our new hometown and made lists of things we wanted to do, try, and visit before we moved again.

We embraced adventure. We tried things we would never have experienced if we didn’t intentionally want to spend time together.

And now that we’ve moved back to the hometown we grew up in, nothing has changed.

We’re going to be tourists again with our kids so they can discover what is so great about living in our town and our larger city.

To figure out what we want to do with each other, we created a Family Bucket List.

The Importance of Creating a Family Bucket List to Connect with Your Family More:

First, what is a Family Bucket List?

The term became famous from the movie, The Bucket List, and it’s a bit morbid for kids: it’s things you want to do or try before you “kick the bucket.”

So we describe it as a list of things you want to do or try before you forget to.

The concept is fantastic because we want to instill in our kids a love of adventure and a desire to be lifelong learners.

We can’t make that happen sitting on our couch and staying in a five-mile radius of our home.

And we’re tired of having whole weekends pass us by and then wondering, what did we do for two days?

We want our kids to try new things. Eat new foods. Explore new places.

And we want to do it with them.

So as an added bonus to creating memories and sharing experiences with our kids, we’re also spending quality time together as a family.

And spending time together doing meaningful, fun activities allows us to connect on a deeper level with each other, which helps us build a strong family identity.

RELATED: How to Create a Strong Family Identity

How to Brainstorm Items for Your Family Bucket List:

1. Use a guidebook of your city.

What would a tourist do if they came to visit your city?

If a friend from out of the country came, where would you take them?

Check out a local guidebook or purchase one so you can circle things that look intriguing.

Here are some of our absolute favorite guidebooks for each city we’ve lived in:

The Kids Guide to Series: (they have most major cities)

DK Top 10 Travel Guides: (they have major cities and all states)

Kids LOVE Series: (They have most states and 1-75 route):

Fun and Education Places to go with Kids and Adults in Southern California

The 10 Best of Everything, Families 

1000 Places to See Before You Die

2. Scour local magazines and newspapers

Local papers and magazines always have a calendar section of fun things to do on the weekends like festivals, fairs, outdoor concerts, and museum exhibits.

Your town’s local Facebook page (and neighboring towns’ Facebook pages) are also a great place to discover new things to explore near you.

3. Plan a family meeting

Sit together during dinner and start a discussion about places you and your kids want to visit.

Ask them probing questions:

• Is there something you’ve always wanted to do?
• Is there something you want to learn?
• Is there somewhere you want to go?

Ideas for Your Family Bucket List:

If you’re having trouble coming up with ideas for your family’s list, try some of these ideas to get you going.

1. Factories with tours

Factories are super fun to visit because kids and adults love to see the behind the scenes of foods and items they love.

We’ve visited the Jelly Belly Factory in Wisconsin, the Ben and Jerry Ice Cream Factory in Vermont and the Cape Cod Potato Chip Factory in Cape Cod, Massachusetts.

Check here for local factories that offer tours.

2. Destination Restaurants

My kids are dying to visit Medieval Times where they watch jousting while they eat dinner.

Dinner with a show or a gimmick makes meals memorable.

There are also 50’s diners with jukeboxes, Japanese teppan grills where they cook in front of you, restaurants that deliver your food by train, and fondue restaurants where you cook your own food.

When we visited New York, a bucket list item for us was Ellen’s Stardust Diner, where your servers sing Broadway songs as you eat.

3. Take the Train or Subway somewhere fun

When we lived in the suburbs close to Boston, we would take the commuter rail in and visit the city library or a new park.

We have taken the train from the suburbs into Chicago’s Union Station then walked the city on a scavenger hunt and to a museum.

We’ve also taken a train to a local Kid’s Museum for the day.

Kids almost always ride free on public transport.

4. Visit Somewhere Historical

If you live close enough, explore historical buildings and landmarks in your area.

Look for missions, adobes, plantations (if they have an enslaved people’s tour),  covered bridges, Indigenous American sites, or American landmarks from the Revolution or Civil War.

One of our favorite things to do was walk the Freedom Trail in Boston.

5. Fairs and Festivals

I’m a sucker for fairs and festivals. I love country fairs, county fairs, and state fairs.

We’ve visited the Renaissance Fair, the Lemon Festival and are looking forward to the Strawberry Festival.

6. Sporting Events

Visit your local team and cheer them on.

If the professional team’s tickets are too expensive, get tickets to a women’s team, a minor league team, or a professional team practice during Spring Training. Those games tend to be more fun and kid-friendly.

7. Get Outside

Taking in the fresh air and connecting outdoors is a great way to spend family time.

Go camping, hiking, geocaching, or letterboxing.

Visit a u-pick farm, go to the beach, river, or lake. Climb a sand dune, canoe, or kayak.

Or keep it super local and take neighborhood walks, bike rides, or have a campout in your backyard.

8. Visit Museums

Visit your local zoo, aquarium, planetarium, kid museum, art museum, or Presidential library.

Look for special days when they have scavenger hunts, special exhibits, and kid-friendly sections.

It might be cheaper or at the very least cost-effective, to purchase a yearly pass to come back over and over again.

9. Tourist destinations

Be a tourist and visit things that only tourists do.

We live in Los Angeles now, so for us, that’s the Hollywood sign, the Walk of Fame, and the Santa Monica Pier.

When we lived in Boston, we rode a Duck Boat, visited Plymouth Rock, and threw “tea” overboard at the Boston Harbor Tea Party Museum.

When we lived in Chicago, we visited the Wisconsin Dells water parks, took an architecture boat tour on the Chicago River, and rode the Ferris Wheel on the Navy Pier.

10. Volunteer

Volunteering is a great way for families to spend time together.

It can be tricky to find local charities that allow kids to help, but the research will be well worth it.

Here are our best family volunteering ideas for each month of the year. 

11. Regional/Seasonal Activities

Depending on where you live, the seasons will offer up some incredible opportunities to explore.

We have gone maple syrup tapping, apple picking, tubing, skiing, digging for crabs, and have watched movies under the stars.

12. Share Something From Your Childhood

I love connecting with my kids by sharing something special from my childhood with them.

It can be anything special you and your family did when you were young, but for my husband and I, we love to share the magic of drive-in movies with our kids.

There’s nothing better than being slightly uncomfortable and barely able to hear the movie, but being outside to watch a movie on the hood of your car.

13. Get Creative

See a random local place advertised or reported on in the local news? Go visit!

That’s how we found an alpaca farm where we fed and helped take care of them, and a horse farm where my daughter rode for the first time.

It doesn’t matter what you pick. As long as it’s interesting to you all.

You’ll get the memories and the experiences.

But the magic really comes when you spend time together and connect with your family more.

Ready to get your Family Bucket List Free Printable to Connect with Your Family More?

Get your Family Bucket List here to connect with your family more:

The post How to Connect With Your Family More with a Bucket List appeared first on Coffee and Carpool: Intentionally Raising Kind Kids.

When I brought my son home from the hospital, my two-year-old daughter wasn’t exactly thrilled.

She wasn’t mad, or sad, or even overly jealous.

She was indifferent. My daughter wanted very little to do with my son.

I had to ask her to help out with her baby brother. I had to ask her to hold him or kiss him.

And she would do it, but it was never her choice. We rarely got the priceless moments where she was super sweet with her brother.

And as my son got older and started playing with toys, my daughter began to get annoyed with him.

She wasn’t too pleased to share her space or her toys or her time.

I had read several books about sibling jealousy and implemented all I learned from Siblings Without Rivalry.

But our problem was something different. My daughter wasn’t jealous of her brother. She didn’t feel at competition with her brother.

She just didn’t like being with him.

Related: How to Help Siblings Adjust to a New Baby with Kindness 

So she needed to be reminded, and reminded often, that she did, in fact, love her brother.

We found activities they could enjoy together, and we filled our home with toys they both wanted to play with.

We took pictures of them happily playing together so we could show her how much she loved spending time with him.

And we turned the pictures and memories into something that would help our daughter feel connected with her brother even more: her Sibling Book.

Why We Need Our Kids to Feel Connected to Their Siblings:

I want our home to be a safe haven for my kids so when they come home, they can let their hair down, let their guard down, and just be themselves.

In order for that to happen, my kids have to want to be here, and they have to want to be with their family. And that includes their siblings.

So we focus on building a stronger sibling bond between our kids because when my kids feel connected, we are a stronger family.

We are a better family.

Related: How to Build a Strong Family Identity

And so over the years, we have come up with several ideas to create and build up a stronger sibling bond between all of my kids.

One of my favorite ways to connect my kids together more was to create Sister-Brother books for them.

For each sibling relationship, I made two books.

One for my older child from their point of view and one for my younger child from their point of view. The pictures are the same, but the wording is slightly different.

And these sibling books quickly became treasured books in our house.

Would you rather make an online scrapbook? Use this tool for digital scrapbooking!

Materials Needed for Sibling Books:

• Printed photos of your kids together, doing activities they both enjoy or helping each other
• Brightly colored construction paper/Scrapbook paper/cardstock paper
• Sharpie
• Glue stick

Directions for Making Sibling Books:

1. Cut the paper to about 8 ½ inches by 5 ½ inches.

2. On the cover, title it your kids’ Sister-Brother Book or Sister Book for two girls or Brother Book for two boys.

3. For the first picture, glue down a picture of your kids when they first met. Leave a margin on the left of the picture to bind the book and leave a margin under the picture so you can write the caption.

4. For the caption on the first page, you can write, “I’ve known my brother Braeden his whole life. I went to the hospital to meet him.”

Or if it’s from the younger child’s point of view, “I’ve known my sister Addison my whole life. She came to the hospital to meet me,” inserting your own kids’ names.

5. For the next pages, continue to glue on photos and add captions.

Some page ideas I’ve used in our books:

• When my brother was younger, I helped him with his bath.
• When my brother was a baby, I would feed him his bottle.
• Now that my brother is older, we can play together.
• We both like to play with our blocks.
• And we both like our water table. I play in my bathing suit, and he plays in his diaper.
• We also both like ice cream!
• Sometimes my brother bugs me a little. Sometimes he makes me mad.
• But most of the time, we love being together.
• I love my brother Braeden and he loves me.

6. When the pages are complete, take the book to an office supply store and have them hard laminate the pages and spiral bind the book.

7. Round the corners of each page with scissors since hard lamination can be sharp on the corners.

My kids’ Sister-Brother books are now tucked safely away in their baby boxes. They were chewed on, spilled on, and dropped.

But most importantly, they were taken off their bookshelves often. These books were some of their most requested books to be read.

And during their quiet times, they would often “read” their books to themselves and to each other.

These siblings books are a simple, but meaningful way for my kids to feel more connected with each other and are a helpful reminder they really do love each other and want to be together.

Which in our house is priceless.

If you have older kids, you’ll love our Sibling Kindness Game to Help Increase their Kindness because it gets them on the same team.

Download our Sibling Game to help siblings with kindness! 

Need more support? You’ll love our Raising Kind Siblings ebook!

The post Create Sibling Books to Build a Stronger Sibling Bond appeared first on Coffee and Carpool: Intentionally Raising Kind Kids.

Mom, she told me I was a bad dancer. 

No, I didn’t. I said I was a better dancer.

But you’re not. I’m the best dancer ever.

No, you’re not. Mom, she just said I was a bad dancer.

Mom, who is the best dancer? Which one of us does it better?

You have to pick. Who is the best at dancing?

Ugh.  Are you kidding me?

As a mom, these exchanges between my kids drive me bat sh*t crazy.

Because I want my kids to do more than live together.

I want them to enjoy each other’s company.

I want them to want to be together.

And I want to hear shrieks of giggles rather than shrieks of bickering, arguing, and teasing.

So we spend a lot of time and energy in our family to prevent sibling rivalry by creating positive sibling relationships. 

Why are Positive Sibling Relationships Vital?

I want our home to be a safe haven for my kids. The world can be crazy, and unkind, and harsh. But when they come home, they’re safe. They can let their hair down and their guard down and be themselves.

I want our home to be a place to feel and know love and support.

And it can’t just come from us, their parents. The love and support and kindness has to also come from their siblings.

But that needs to be intentionally taught and then expected. Kids won’t treat their siblings well all the time.

So we work on it all the time because positive sibling relationships are vital to their overall well-being.

Siblings help you:

• practice being a leader and a follower,
• learn to take turns and share,
• learn how to apologize and how to avoid hurting people’s feelings,
• deal with criticism when they call you out when you mess up

Siblings know your strengths and your weaknesses and they will either exploit them or help you be a better person.

So a positive sibling relationship is vital to the calmness and peacefulness of our home.

If my kids are bickering or being nasty to one another, I get riled up quickly because it’s one of my angry mom triggers.

So we work hard to encourage positive sibling relationships between all three of our kids.

How to Prevent Sibling Rivalry and Create Positive Sibling Relationships:

1. Start before the siblings are even born:

How you talk about your baby before and right after their birth will lay the groundwork for how their siblings feel about them and interact with them.

Related: How to Help Siblings Adust to the New Baby with Kindness

There are several ways you can ensure it’s a positive relationship from the beginning, like introducing books that showcase positive sibling relationships.

Here are a few of our family’s favorites:

2. Don’t require your kids to share:

Sharing is way too grown up of a concept for young kids to grasp. They will learn how to share with modeling and positive reinforcement over time.

Instead of sharing, we teach our kids to take turns, and it works like magic.

They know how to ask for a turn politely and how to take turns with things they really want like holding the buzzer at restaurants, choosing the next song Alexa plays, and who gets to use the blue crayon.

And my kids are not required to share or turn take with things that are extra special to them. They can put those “specials” away somewhere safe to feel ownership over things that are extra important to them.

And this one shift has eliminated 50% of the sibling squabbles in our home.

3. Have multiples of favorite toys:

Since our kids are close in age, they often want to play with the same toys at the same time.

One simple fix is to have multiples of their absolute favorite toys. We have multiple puzzles, buckets of chalk and crayons and markers with duplicate colors, and three soccer balls.

They won’t have to turn take as often when there’s two or three of the coveted item.

4. Be mindful of how you speak about and to your kids in front of their siblings:

The book Siblings Without Rivalry guided how my husband and I speak about our kids and to our kids in front of each other to avoid jealousy and rivalry.

I seriously cannot say enough incredible things about how this book opened my eyes to the damage even a small phrase said in passing can do to cause jealousy and a rift between siblings.

If you have more than one child, Siblings Without Rivalry is a must-read parenting book.

Get it here:

5. Avoid labels and save the praise for private:

When we talk to our kids and tell them things like “You’re so athletic,” our other kids hear, “She’s athletic so I must not be.”

If I tell my son he’s incredibly artistic, my daughters hear, “He’s artistic so I’m not artistic.”

Obviously, that’s not what we’re saying at all, but that’s what they hear.

And the damage is done.

So we praise them and tell them why we’re proud of them out of earshot of our other kids.

Because kids can’t understand that just because I’m telling their sibling their drawing is amazing, it also doesn’t mean I think their drawing is amazing too.

So we take a moment and pull each of them aside to tell them their drawings are so detailed, and we love the colors they chose, and their soccer game is on point and we love their hustle, and the new story they’re writing is so creative and we can’t wait to read more.

6. Give your kids a spot to be alone:

Most kids need a room, a spot, or a safe space to call their own.

This is especially true if you are raising an introvert or a kid who needs downtime to recharge, but even my little extrovert requires a space that is hers and hers alone to retreat to when she’s tired of being with her siblings.

When we had a big house, all of my kids had their own room, so it was easy to find alone time.

Now that we’re back in our smaller home and my kids share a room, we’ve had to get creative.

We’ve made a reading and drawing nook in a closet, hung up curtains around a bunk bed to offer up “privacy,” and have created a hiding spot under some tall bushes for my son.

It’s their spot to go to when they don’t want to spend time with their siblings.

And it recharges them so they’re ready to interact and play together later.

Plus it gives them a sense of ownership in our home that solidifies their feelings of belonging here.

7. Expect kindness to Create Positive Sibling Relationships:

Being kind is one of our only two family rules. And with good reason.

It eliminates name-calling, whispered secrets behind someone’s back, tricking siblings, interrupting each other, ignoring each other on purpose, and teasing.

All things that lead to feelings of being left out, ostracized, or put down, which feels hurtful.

Kids who have hurt feelings act out with meanness as retaliation.

8. Eliminate superlative language:

Another way to avoid hurt feelings is to avoid “best,” “better,” “worst,” and words that end in -er or -est because it avoids a comparison game and a need to one-up each other. 

I’m the fastest. I’m the best dancer. I’m the prettiest. I’m smarter.

Kids can be fast without being the fastest.

They can be a good dancer without needing to proclaim themselves to be the best.

They can be smart without being smarter than someone next to them.

9. Decide on and then prohibit “outlawed” words:

Every family has a different threshold of words or phrases they will or will not allow in their house.

And while I know I need to pick my battles as a parent, this is one battle I choose to pick.

Because the way we talk to each other and about each other has a deep impact on the overall health of our family.

To cultivate a family who is kind to one another, we have eliminated several phrases which include: shut up, stupid, loser, jerk, sucks, dumb, hate, crap, duh, and I don’t care.

10. Create a strong family identity:

We focus on creating a strong family identity for several reasons. But a major benefit is when our kids are more connected to each other and to us, it prevents sibling rivalry and jealousy.

When our kids know they’re a valued member of our family, they want to be here.

They want to have dance parties in the kitchen and go on our family dates, and head to the beach whenever we can. And our kids have fun when they are together.

Which is an improvement over put-downs, angry words, and slammed doors. 

11. Connect with each child individually:

Kids who feel secure in their relationships with their parents won’t feel the need to compete with their siblings to get their parents’ attention and affection.

To really connect with each of our kids, we often go on dates with each of them and we focus on Love Languages and Proof of Love Activities. 

They feel valued and important and have no need to compete with each other when we get back home.

Related: Use these Love Language Coupons to quickly connect with your kids in meaningful ways.

12. Have family meetings and let the kids make decisions:

Not all decisions are up for a discussion. But when my husband and I can, we let our kids decide.

Especially when the decision directly affects them or they will perceive our decision on their behalf as being “unfair.”

My three kids worked out who would have the first, second, and third sleepover at their grandparents’ house without bickering or complaining and I got to avoid being the bad guy to the two kids who had to wait their turn.

13. Let them work out their squabbles if they’re doing it with kindness:

All siblings are going to bicker and have squabbles. It’s okay if they get mad and frustrated or annoyed with each other.

But voicing their frustrations and then figuring out how to work it out is part of growing up and learning how to interact, live, and work with other people.

I give them time to share their feelings, but I step in when their anger and frustration morph into mean and unkind words or dangerous actions.

14. Ensure they listen to each other:

In an effort to make living in a small house together easier, my kids have to listen to each other’s requests.

Please stop singing.

Please turn down your music.

Please get off my bed. 

When kids feel listened to and therefore respected, they’re not going to feel like they need to raise their voice or get mad to get heard. 

This especially applies to honoring “stop” and “no” requests. If they’re roughhousing, playing, or tickling each other, “stop” means “stop.” And “no more” means “no more.”

15. Assign seats in the car:

This may sound silly, but assigned seats in the car avoids one more thing to squabble or fight over.

Everyone knows where they’re sitting, so there’s no rush to fight over the “best” seat.

I knew one family who used the even and odd days on the calendar to determine who sat where in the car.

16. Find something they all love and enjoy together:

Spending time together doing something they all love is a simple way to foster more fun memories together that can carry them over when they’re annoyed with each other.

As a family, we created a bucket list of things we want to do together. 

We also have family favorite TV shows, movies, board games and books that everyone loves to enjoy together.

17. Help them deal with perceived unfairness:

A lot of sibling issues come from resentment towards a sibling when something feels “unfair.”

My eldest does more chores than her younger sister and therefore, thinks this is unfair. I have to remind her that when she was 6 she did one chore, just like her sister does now.

My youngest has to turn out her lights sooner than her older siblings which she feels is “unfair.” I have to remind her often when they were her age, they had to turn off their lights earlier, and when she’s older she can read longer.

It’s not going to be even or equal all the time, but that doesn’t make it unfair.

18. Gameify Kindness and Get Siblings on the Same Team to Create Positive Sibling Relationships

One of the simplest ways to stop the fighting and bickering is to get them on the same team, where it’s in their best interest for their sibling to also succeed. 

On game night, play parents vs. kids. 

Or challenge them with a Sibling Kindness Ice Cream Challenge, where when they “win” they go on a sibling ice cream date.

Or to really focus on kindness, use this Sibling Kindness Game where the game and the prizes are all focused on building up their relationship and their connection with more kindness.

19. Answer them when they ask if you have a favorite child with a ‘yes’:

I tell each of my kids they’re my favorite, but I do it when it’s just the two of us:

• You are my favorite son (I only have one),
• You are my favorite 10-year old,
• You are my favorite Kindergartner, and
• You are my favorite Addison. 

And we read the book, You are All My Favorites.

Because they are.

They’re especially my favorites when they’re kind and giggling together and being sweet with one another.

BONUS to create Positive Sibling Relationships: Make sibling books for your kids so they feel more connected with each other. Click here to get the directions. 

The post Create Positive Sibling Relationships with these 18 Must Know Tips appeared first on Coffee and Carpool: Intentionally Raising Kind Kids.

When we moved our family of five away from the only home we had known, we plopped ourselves down in a new time zone, away from everything familiar.

We left a place where we were surrounded by both my family and my husband’s family. Everyone we loved was within a short drive of our home.

Every holiday, we had plans. Every special occasion, we were surrounded by family or friends, or both.

So when we moved to Massachusetts, suddenly our very busy calendar was empty.

We had no friends to hang out with. And no family to spend time with.

It was just us five.

We had never celebrated our birthdays without our families. We had never had to cook a turkey on Thanksgiving. We’d never been home on Christmas day.

So we needed new traditions and new ways to make the five of us a tighter knit family.

We needed to find ways to connect with each other instead of feeling lonely or focusing on what we left behind.

Our family had to become closer.

So we worked to build a strong family identity in the years we were “on our own.”

Why is it important to create a strong family identity?

We had a connected family unit before we left our California home, but once we moved to a new state, it was shocking how much we depended on each other for emotional support.

We were all a little nervous, and lonely, and homesick.

So out of necessity, we had to create a stronger family culture and family identity that felt safe, and comforting and uniquely us.

Because it was literally us five against the strange new place we decided to call home.

And I’m so grateful we had the time that “forced” us to come together as a cohesive family unit.

It made us stronger.

It made us feel closer.

And it made my kids turn to us and their siblings for what they needed.

And now when life pulls us in different directions of playdates and sports games and birthday parties, we know we’re coming home to a strong family.

A family that loves to be together.

A family that wants to be together.

A family that enjoys each others’ company and knows that each person is valued and loved.

Related: 17 Ways to Improve Family Relationships

Because in the everyday hustle and bustle of piles of dishes, and laundry and driving carpools, we can forget to check in with our kids.

We can forget to stop and enjoy the moment.

We can get caught up in the minutia of socks on the floor, and running to the store to grab milk, and being late for school rather than the moments that mean something.

Creating a strong family identity pulls us back together.

And when we’re connected, it lessens sibling squabbles and sibling rivalry and encourages everyone to be kinder to each another.

Related: 18 Ways to Create Strong Sibling Relationships 

And when my kids are older and grown and moving out, they’ll know where they came from: our family of five.

And they’ll know they can always come back to it.

How to Create a Strong Family Identity:

There are tons of ways to feel connected and create a strong family identity. Here are a few of the ways we come together as a fivesome:

1. Family Traditions

We have an obscene number of traditions in my family for every holiday and special occasion.

One of my favorite family traditions is on birthdays. We serve breakfast in bed for the birthday person, with a breakfast of their choice.

And then we all climb into bed with them while they open presents and eat their breakfast.

Traditions connect us through time, both to past generations who started the tradition and to future generations as they continue the tradition.

Knowing that this is what we do in our family makes us a more cohesive unit. Plus, I get bagels and coffee in bed on my birthday.

Other family traditions we have:

• birthday person picks the meals for their day,
• guess and then count the number of Christmas lights we’ll see as we drive around town,
• visit Santa and the Easter bunny,
• watch the Rose Parade in person,
• create holiday crafts the morning after Thanksgiving,
• get visits from the Back to School Fairies,
• make silly-shaped pancakes on holidays,
• bake and decorate Christmas and Hanukkah sugar cookies,
• make Valentine’s Day placemats out of their school valentines,
• bake special cookies for Purim then giving them away to family and friends
• churn butter for family holidays,
• eat chili on Halloween and then trick or treat,
• open Christmas stockings one at a time, in order from oldest to youngest,
• host a Hanukkah party for our non-Jewish friends,
• go to a parade on the 4th of July, and
•  honk when we cross state lines.

RELATED: Our Favorite Christmas Tradition 

2. Family Rituals to Build a Strong Family Identity

We also have family rituals, little things we do every day or week that connect us.

Some are consistent, some we do whenever we have a few extra minutes, and some we “surprise” the kids with.

We :

• have Taco Tuesdays,
• have Pizza Fridays with a movie,
• drink Shirley Temples on holidays,
• eat breakfast for dinner,
• sing a special song at bedtime,
• make banana pancakes or waffles most weekends,
• say a special goodbye when we drive away,
• have a silly way to snuggle in bed,
• eat picnic dinners at the beach,
• walk to get Slurpees on super hot days,
• go on family walks at sunset, and
• get donuts on cold mornings.

3. Family Restaurant

We eat at all sorts of restaurants, but we do have a go-to family restaurant that’s a no-brainer for us, where everyone is excited to go.

When we decide to treat ourselves for the evening, we have had a special restaurant in each of the towns we’ve lived in that’s “our” restaurant.

And when we go, all of a sudden, there’s less begging our kids to sit still and for the love of everything, eat their meal quietly, because they’re happy to be there too.

Your family restaurant could be a favorite pizza place, the burger joint on the corner, or a favorite take-away Chinese restaurant.

4. Family Date Night to Build a Strong Family Identity

Whenever we have a free evening with no planned activities, we go on a family date night.

Our preferred choice happens to be visiting a used bookstore to find our next favorite book and eating ice cream.

It’s a simple way to get everyone excited to spend quality time together.

*And now that I have teenagers, I can tell you this works.

But family date night is anything that qualifies as fun for your family:

• roller skating,
• going to the movies,
• family game night,
• jacuzzi night,
• sporting event,
• or roaming the aisles of a thrift store together.

5. Family Song

We have a family song that whenever we hear it, no matter what we’re doing, we all squeal or whoop and start dancing, singing, or both.

We all love this song and request it often from Alexa because it’s a one-way ticket to a better mood for all of us.

Choose a song that works for all of you and your personalities. It can be upbeat and fun or slow and sweet.

Dance to it in your kitchen after breakfast or before bedtime.

Request it at family weddings.

Play it on road trips.

Our song is Megan Trainor’s Better When I’m Dancing, but we also “have” to play Jack Johnson’s Banana Pancakes song when we’re making our family’s banana pancakes.

Feel free to borrow our song or come up with your own.

6. Family Hobby

Finding a family hobby that you all love to do will encourage everyone to want to spend more time together.

It can be tricky when there is a wide age range and different abilities or interests, but try out different things until you find what works.

Maybe it’s game night or building puzzles or creating with Legos. Maybe it’s going for a hike or camping or flying kites. Or maybe it’s bike riding, shooting hoops, or playing frisbee golf.

It really doesn’t matter what it is as long as everyone’s involved and having fun.

7. Secret Family Handshake

We have a secret family handshake that we give each other when we’re walking together, saying goodbye to each other, or saying goodnight to each other.

I could tell you what it is, but I’ve been sworn to secrecy by my family.

But I’ll give you a hint.

It involves squeezing their hand a certain number of times to let them know that I love them. And then they respond with a certain number of squeezes that they love me.

And because it’s a “secret” only our family knows, it feels extra special to be in the know.

8. Family TV Shows/Movie

Find a family TV show or movie that you enjoy watching together. Screen time can be divisive, or it can bring you all together.

If you’re talking about the show, cheering on your favorite team, or rooting for someone in a baking competition, it brings everyone together. 

It can be tricky to find one show that everyone enjoys, especially if there’s a wide age range.

Our family show used to be Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Now that we’re out of the toddler days, we’ve upgraded to something my husband and I actually enjoy watching too.

My kids’ tween favorites that my husband and I also enjoy are Paradise Run, Keep It Spotless, Cake Wars, Kid Baking Championship, America’s Got Talent, House Hunters, Tiny House Nation, and The Floor is Lava.

Now that they’re teenagers, we’ve been showing them old comedies we grew up loving.

We also love sharing old cartoons with our kids from our childhood like Gummie Bears, Duck Tales, and  Tom and Jerry.

You could also help your reluctant readers with our Movie Book Club that’s perfect for families. 

9. Inside Jokes

We have a couple of favorite family jokes that we love to tell over and over again. And they’ve slowly become our family inside jokes because we’ve all told them so many times.

They don’t surprise us since we obviously know the punchline, but we all laugh each time anyway.

Our favorite family jokes:

Knock, knock

Who’s there?

Interrupting cow.

Interrupting c—

MOOOOOOO. 

——

Knock knock.

Who’s There?

Cows go.

Cows go who?

No, cows go ‘moooooo.’

——

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

Supplies!!! 

10. Meal Plan, Cook, and Have Family Dinners

Every week, my kids help my husband and I decide what we’re going to make for dinner for the next 7 days. Then they help shop and cook the dinners.

Each evening, we cheers whoever made dinner.

And then while we eat, we talk about our days by playing “High Low.” We tell each other about the high point of our day and the low point of our day.

It gives us something open-ended to talk about, gives us insight into each other’s days, and keeps us sitting at the dinner table together a little longer.

If family dinners don’t fit into your schedule, try a family breakfast or family lunch.

11. Write Love Notes to Each Other

Encourage your kids to write sweet notes to each other and to you with this adorable Love Bank.

They can choose a heart with a prompt or a blank heart to add to the bank.

And then as a family, you can read the notes to each other when the bank is full.

And the best part of these Love Banks? For every one you purchase, the company donates meals to Feeding America.

12. Family Bucket List to Build a Strong Family Identity

To spend more quality time together rather than staring at each other and asking every Saturday morning, “Well what do you want to do today?” we created a Family Bucket List. 

Want Ideas On How to Create a Family Bucket List and the free printable? Click here. 

We printed out this free printable and sat down to have a family meeting to fill it out.

We brainstormed and decided what things we want to try, visit, do, create and explore.

A few things on our list:

• Visit a U-Pick farm and pick strawberries
• Learn how to make strawberry jam
• Hike up to the Hollywood sign
• Find a waterfall
• Have an overnight in our own backyard

Now our weekends are spent together, creating fun memories as we try new things.

In a world where we’re all overly-connected to technology, we’re pulled in different directions by social obligations, and our kids grow up too fast and will eventually balk at spending time with their “embarrassing” parents, I want to create a strong family identity now.

I want to set the groundwork while they’re young so maybe instead of going out with friends as teenagers, they’ll want to go on a family date night to get ice cream and a used book with us.

And they’ll offer me our secret handshake as they head off to college.

And they’ll come home for dinner on Taco Tuesdays.

 

 

The post Build a Strong Family Identity with These 12 Tips appeared first on Coffee and Carpool: Intentionally Raising Kind Kids.

My ten year old started at her new school last week.

It’s her third school in three years. Which is insane, but unavoidable.

My daughter has navigated the world of being the new girl with no friends so many times, she’s quite adept at making friends now.

She understands the power of, “Can I join you?” and “Do you want to play with me?” and “Can I play with you?”

Related: Is Your Kid an Includer? Here’s Why They Should Be.

She knows how to walk up to someone and befriend them. She seeks out like-minded girls and has learned to adapt and play with what the girls enjoy to fit in quickly. We now have a ridiculously large Shopkins collection and Descendants dolls to prove it.

But in all those schools, and all the times she’s made friends, she has never been part of a girl group at school. She’s never known what it feels like to be part of a tribe of friends who want you with them, who make plans with you, and who miss you when you’re not there.

And at first, I didn’t think it would be a problem.

She had a good friend or two at every school she was at. She knew friendship. She had someone to invite over after school and friends to invite to her birthday parties and neighbors who loved lemonade stands as much as she did.

But not having a strong group of friends was one of the main reasons she ended up being bullied so badly the last two years of elementary school.

And while I can protect my daughter emotionally when she’s bullied, my main goal is to bully-proof her.

To set her up so she’s less attractive to bullies.

Why Kids Need Friends to Bully-Proof Themselves

As my daughter walked into her third new school and was surrounded by a group of girls who were saying “hi” and hugging her, she beamed. They literally pulled her into their group.

And this may not be the end-all-be-all answer to bully prevention.

But being welcomed into a group with open arms is a good start to anyone’s first day. And there was no bullying behavior in sight, for the first time in two years.

The list of reasons why kids need friends is quite long. Friendships are an essential part of growing up, navigating the world around us, and finding our place in society.

But for our bullied kids, friendships can mean the difference between feeling safe and facing torment alone.

RELATED: Having friends is only one of the several ways parents can bully-proof their kids. 

Having a strong group of friends, both in and out of school, is one of the best ways to bully-proof our children:

1. Bullies tend to target kids who are alone.

Bullies go for the easy target and kids who are alone usually fit the bill. Kids who are either physically alone, socially alone, or emotionally alone tend to get the bullies’ attention.

So, children who are standing or playing in a group are less likely to be picked on.

2. Children who have a group supporting them will be more likely to stand up to bullies if one approaches.

Standing up to a bully can be scary. Especially if you’re trying to do it alone.

When kids are with a group of friends, they will have someone on their side, backing them up, speaking up for them.

And if the bully continues, a friend is more likely to get help from an adult quickly and reassure friends who are being bullied.

3. Children who feel secure in their friendships will feel more secure in themselves and know the bully’s words aren’t truth.

Kids who feel confident in their social standing among their peers will less likely be crushed or emotionally impacted by bullies’ hurtful words.

Bullied kids will know their friends don’t feel the same way about them, so there’s no way the bully’s words are the absolute truth.

Kids who only hear negative comments with no friendly words to balance out the nasty words, have a higher chance of internalizing the bullies’ words and actions.

4. Friends increase our kids’ self-esteem, self-worth, and self-confidence, even when they’re not with their friends.

When a child feels confident, they are more likely to stand up to bullies, even when they’re not with their support group.

The lasting effect of friendship puts a protective bubble or buffer around our kids, keeping them emotionally protected if they’re bullied.

Help kids make and keep positive friendships that will help bully-proof them:

Gone are the days when I could pick my kids’ friends based on whether I like their mom or not. We’re in the stage of life where my daughter needs to learn how to choose her own friends.

But there are things I can do that will support her and encourage her to make positive decisions about her peers and her friendships.

Since you are the sum of the people you spend the most time with, who our kids spend time with is important. We need to be paying attention to who our kids choose to spend their time with.

Not sure how to make friends? This Role Playing printable will help kids practice different ways to make new friends. 

Here’s how I make sure my daughter has the right kind of friends to help bully-proof her:

1. Kids need friends so encourage peer groups in different settings

Having friends inside of school is important. But having friends outside of school is just as crucial, especially for kids who are already being bullied.

Because our kids need to know if the kids at school are mean, not all kids are mean. Not all kids treat others poorly. Not all kids are mean or spiteful or hurtful.

Related: How to Encourage Kids to Stay Kind When Kids Are Mean to Them

And our kids need to find positive engagement with kids elsewhere. They need to know they’re worthy of friendship and other people will value them for who they truly are.

Search for positive peer groups at religious school, sports teams or clubs, scouting groups, and in your neighborhood.

2. Get to know their friends well

It’s important to really know our kids’ friends, especially as they get older and we are less involved in their day to day life.

We can volunteer in their school to get to know their friends. Or we can offer to drive the kids where they want to go so you can listen in to their banter.

Get to know the other kids’ moms and invite them over for a wine or coffee date.

And listen attentively to the stories our kiddo tells us so we know who the kids are in the stories. Pay attention now when the stories aren’t vital, so they trust us to tell the stories later that do matter.

We have to remember Stacy isn’t always nice to Michelle and Sasha has a tiny crush on Mason and Talia hates the color pink.

3. Have the house kids want to be at

Create a space the neighborhood kids and your child’s friends want to come to.

Because when they come and hang out at your house, you get to know the kids who spend time with your kids.

You get to be privy to their conversations and watch how they interact and navigate social issues.

You will witness it all and can help navigate your child through it afterward.

You also get to intervene if you see or hear something that doesn’t line up with your family’s values.

To keep them coming to your house, have the best snack foods readily available and feed them often.

Figure out what craft or project or toy they’re all into and have it available. Stepping on fusion beads with my bare feet is the bane of my existence, but it’s worth it since it brings all the neighborhood boys to my kitchen table to make “power discs.”

Get the games and sports equipment that encourages group play. We always have extra helmets at our house and we keep the old scooters around for playdates. We have the messy games (like Pie in the Face) and we have a tetherball set and a climbing structure in our yard, and we keep baking supplies fully stocked for my tween and her friends who love to bake.

4. Say “yes” to playdates and hangouts and meet-ups

I always try to say yes to the playdates or the meetups. I can not stand going to the park or making small talk with other moms I barely know. But I do it because it helps my kids find friends, and it enables their relationships to flourish.

I invite kids over to my house more than I want to and I deal with the messes and chaos because when my kids connect outside of school with their classmates, they’re more likely to connect on the playground at recess…which makes it more likely they’ll stand up for each other when needed.

The way to get invited over for playdates is to host playdates. My kids are always dying to go over to a friend’s house. So we invite kids over to our house first, and most of the time it’s reciprocated.

5. Kids NEED Friends but teach them that not all friends need to be best friends

There are different kinds of friends in this world…not all friends will be best friends. Not all friends deserve to know your personal information you want to keep private.

Not all friends are friends you want to invite to your house.

Some friends are just classmates you know that sometimes you play with.

Some friends are closer friends you play with often, but you don’t really tell them your private information to.

Some friends are really good friends you can count on.

And some friends are best friends.

Kids also need to know that some kids are friends at all…they’re just acquaintances.

Forcing friendships can set kids up to be bullied or to be put in tricky or dangerous social situations.

Kids have to know the difference between a good, true friend and a not so great friend. Use this Good True Friendship Checklist to help them. 

And they have to know there are different kinds of friends. Use this bullseye to visually explain it to them. 

6. Kids Need Friends, but encourage your kids to not put all their “eggs in one basket”

I’m a grown woman and I’m still trying to learn this lesson.

We know kids need friends.

And having one friend is great. Sometimes, all it takes is one friend to make all the difference.

But when that friend is sick, or wants to play with someone else, it can be hard for our kids to be left alone. So, encouraging them to have different friends and several friend groups is essential.

My daughter spent many a recess playing by herself because her one friend wanted to play hopscotch while my daughter wanted to swing.

In a group, someone is bound to want to play what you want to play.

Someone is going to be available for a sleepover when the others are busy.

Someone will say yes to having a lemonade stand.

But one group isn’t enough. I have lost many friends in my lifetime by having one group of friends at a time. As soon as one person in the group gets mad or decides you’re not part of the group anymore, it can be devastating if that’s your only source of friendship.

So I encourage my kids to find a peer group, nourish it, and be an awesome member of the group.

But I then suggest they keep looking for new friends too.

Because it’s a good idea to stretch ourselves and hang with different kinds of people.

It’s important to not be reliant on one group of friends for all of our social interactions.

And it’s essential to have more than one group you can go to if you need something, like back up from a bully.

Or a business partner for your lemonade stand.

Need more bullying prevention resources? Click here. 

Want more detailed information on how to Bully-Proof Your Kids? You’ll love this ebook:

The post Kids Need Friends to Help Bully-Proof Our Kids appeared first on Coffee and Carpool: Intentionally Raising Kind Kids.

My daughter stood there, dressed in her brand new pink tutu and her hair in a bun she begged for with tears streaming down her face.

We had shown up for her very first ballet class—something she’s been waiting for and planning for three months.

But just like that, the class was unceremoniously canceled due to a lack of interest.

We’re so sorry, they said.

She can sign up for the next class, they said.

We feel so bad, they said.

As I was half listening to the woman, I saw the big tears start to fall and the hurt in my daughter’s eyes.

My daughter was crushed. Her six-year-old dreams of spinning in her new ballet shoes and watching her tutu fly around her were thwarted.

And as my kiddo faced this huge disappointment, she needed comfort. She needed validation. And she needed to just be sad.

But what she didn’t need was what the well-meaning, but misguided, lady behind the tall counter said to her.

Why I don’t shield my kids from disappointment and sadness:

Listen, disappointment is a part of life.

I don’t want to shield my kids from it. In fact, and bear with me, I want them to experience disappointment when they’re young.

I need them to be disappointed when the stakes are low.

When I am standing right next to them, and can guide them through it.

When I can validate their disappointment, teach them how to self-soothe, and then help them move past it.

Kids who have been protected from disappointment either by sheer luck or by adults jumping through hoops to make their lives squeaky clean and happy are at a bit of a disadvantage.

If kids don’t know that disappointment is a normal part of life, and they will survive the disappointment, and happiness will be attained again, they will crumble when they finally face it.

We will find these kids in the fetal position when they don’t make the high school baseball team, or get into the college of their choice, or when they get passed over for the new promotion they were gunning for.

So while I wouldn’t wish disappointment on my children-or any child-this is a necessary part of growing and learning how to be a functioning member of society.

As long as they are taught healthy ways to deal with their disappointment.

What not to say when comforting a disappointed child:

So what did the lady behind the counter say to my crying daughter that missed the mark?

It’s a phrase so common in our language, I’m sure it was the most natural thing to come out of her mouth.

“Oh honey, it’s okay.”

Now, most people may wonder what’s so wrong with that simple statement. In fact, until I had kids, I used to say it all the time, too.

And the lady isn’t awful or mean.

I know she was trying to comfort my daughter.

But she didn’t take into consideration what my crying child -and what most crying children- really need.

They need to be validated.

They need to know their feelings are worthy of being felt.

They need to know it’s okay to be feeling the way they are feeling without having to change.

Related: What is Positive Parenting and How Can it Help You Be a Better Parent? 

Because it’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to be angry. And it’s okay to be really disappointed that something you were waiting for and anticipating for months is now not going to happen after all.

When we dismiss these feelings for our children by blowing them off and saying “You’re okay,” we’re not letting them feel the feelings that are naturally coming to them.

We’re telling them it’s silly to feel disappointed.

And they should stop crying because it’s only a ballet class.

And they can easily wait for the next class.

But none of that matters or makes sense to a six-year-old who is clutching her ballet bag and desperately wants to learn how to get her feet into first position.

To her, this was the end of her world. Her true worst moment. And “It’s okay” wasn’t going to cut it.

What to say instead of “It’s Okay” or “You’re Okay” when comforting a disappointed child:

It’s so natural for us to use the word “okay.” I used to say it often when I was a first-time mom and my daughter was hurt.

But it hit me one day when I fell and got injured. Someone said to me, “It’s okay,” trying to comfort me.

And in that moment, I realized, no.

It’s not. It’s not okay. I’m not okay. I’m in a ton of pain. Don’t tell me it’s okay when it’s not okay.

It was a huge aha moment for me.

So I started to pay attention to when and how often I said “It’s okay” to my kids. And I said it a lot. I said it when they were crying. I said it when their feelings were hurt. I said it when they fell.

I had to consciously stop myself because I didn’t want them to think for one second that they had to change how they were feeling for me.

And I needed to come up with new verbiage I could say when my kids were hurt or sad or disappointed with something.

Here’s what I started to say instead of “It’s Okay” when comforting a disappointed child:

You must be sad.

It’s okay to be sad.

Are your feelings hurt?

Can I help you?

It’s going to be okay. (Meaning in the future it will be, while still acknowledging right now it’s not okay)

You’re going to be okay. (Same as above- in the near future, they will be okay, but it’s also okay they aren’t okay right now.)

How can I help you?

I will help you feel better.

It’s okay to cry. 

Do you want a hug?

You can get a downloadable copy of this below.

Turning it around for my sad daughter:

I walked over to my daughter, pulled her into my arms, and said, “You’re so sad. It’s okay to be sad.”

And then I let her be sad. I let her cry in my arms. I hugged her tighter.

I didn’t tell her to stop crying, or she shouldn’t cry, or that it’s okay.

Because to her, it wasn’t okay.

This was a big moment. And even though a missed ballet class isn’t important to me, I can empathize with her about being deeply disappointed about something she thought was going to happen, that didn’t.

It hurts. A lot.

And no part of me was going to speed up the time she needed to recover from the hurt.

I was in no rush to stop her from crying in the middle of the lobby of the Parks and Rec building.

I didn’t need to spare the receptionist’s feelings or wonder if we were inconveniencing people.

Related: Books that Help Kids Deal with Big Emotions

I allowed her time to be sad. I held her hand in the car as we drove away. I handed her a tissue so she could wipe the tears away.

And then I offered her something we don’t get very often. I offered up a mommy-daughter date.

I dropped my son off with my husband and took my sad little ballerina to Target to buy some new ballet tights she needed for her next ballet class.

We strolled the aisles and chatted. We giggled as she rode on the cart. And we shared some popcorn.

And that night at dinner, we talked about the sad part of her day. We talked about the disappointment, and we all empathized with her that it was definitely the crummy part of an otherwise awesome day.

She will remember this day for a long time. And so will I. Because this experience will become a teachable moment for her and me.

In a year or two when she doesn’t make the soccer team or her friends leave her out of a birthday party or she doesn’t get the part in the play, we can talk about this moment.

Do you remember when you were disappointed about ballet?

Do you remember how sad you were?

What did you do to start feeling happier?

How did you feel a day later?

What about a week later?

How can you cheer yourself up when you feel disappointed?

And she will know that when she doesn’t get asked to the dance by the boy she likes or doesn’t win the championship game or doesn’t pass her driver’s test on her first try, she will be okay. Eventually.

After she gives herself time to be sad and disappointed.

Then I’ll take her on another mommy-daughter date.

Need these to help you when you’re comforting a disappointed child?

Get the printable here. 

The post When Comforting a Disappointed Child Avoid This Phrase appeared first on Coffee and Carpool: Intentionally Raising Kind Kids.

My family is no stranger to moving cross country. As I am writing this, we’re gearing up for our third major move in three years. I’m exhausted just thinking about it.

Each time we move, we uproot our kids and our lives and start fresh. We have to find new friends and new doctors and new grocery store brands. We’ve had to learn unfamiliar terms like “bubbler” and “pop” and “wicked cool.” And we’ve had to learn how to dress for actual cold weather and real winters.

And the planner in me has everything squared away before the movers ever show up. I have lists for what to pack and what I can’t pack. I have lists for canceling gym memberships and filling out new school paperwork and scheduling IEP meetings. And I have lists for what I need to shop for on my first grocery trip and what TV shows to record as soon as our cable gets set up and what to pack in our ‘open me first’ box.

I have lists for all of my lists.

But one thing I always make sure to focus on in all three of our moves has been preparing my kids for the big move.

Because leaving their school and their home and their friends is a huge deal.

And the fear and anxiety that comes with knowing they’ll be the new kid with no friends and they won’t know the school rules or where to find the bathroom can be a huge worry for any kid.

And while there’s no way to help my kids cope with every fear and worry that comes with moving, there are things that we have done to ease the transition and make moving an emotionally safer, more predictable and more comfortable process.

Ways We Emotionally Prepare our Kids for a Big Move:

1. Talk about it sooner rather than later.

We started talking about our move pretty early in the process with our kids. And we got out a huge floor map to show them where we lived in California and where our new home in Massachusetts would be.

We answered all of their questions as honestly as we could…and we got some great questions that we would never have guessed they were worried about.

My son’s biggest concern was if they spoke a different language in Boston, how would he understand his new teacher? After reassuring him they did, in fact, speak recognizable English everywhere but South Boston, he was good to go.

2. Let them share their feelings about the move.

Moving can be both exciting and scary at the same time. You can be ready for the adventure and also incredibly nervous about it. You could be happy to make new friends and sad to say goodbye to your old ones.

Remind them it’s okay to feel all the feelings.

They don’t have to be just happy or just sad. They can be both. Moving helped my kids really understand the concept of “bittersweet.”

And it’s also okay for their feelings to change and fluctuate.

My daughter is studying fractions right now so that’s how she’s expressing her emotions: I’m ¾ excited and ¼ sad to leave my friends behind. But after a sleepover with her entire Girl Scout Troop, the fractions changed: Now I’m ¾ sad and ¼ happy.

It’s okay to have all the big emotions.

Related: Books to Read About Managing Big Emotions

3. Start a visual countdown

Moving can be a very abstract concept for kids…as is time.

We have used a countdown paper chain and a calendar for our kids to see how many days were left until the move. Letting them both make the paper chain and rip off the days gave them a little control over the timing of it all.

4. Plan the “right time” to move.

If you’re able to, plan the move at a good time for your family. If you’re moving in between school years, moving in the middle of the summer is a great time. They’ll still have a little summer with their old friends and a little bit of summer to get acquainted in their new town before school starts.

If you have to move in the middle of the school year but you have a little flexibility, take a look at the school calendar and plan accordingly.

We pushed our move back two weeks because of a 100th Day of School party, a Valentine’s Day celebration, and the schoolwide Talent Show.

My kids would have been devastated to miss out on these things, and it was easy to work around.

5. Visit their new home.

Visiting their new home before you move will help your kids visualize where they will eat, sleep, and play.

Since we’re moving cross country and this is impossible, we took photos and videos of the house so the kids could see their new rooms and their new backyard and their new kitchen.

6. Let them help plan out their new room.

We let our kids help decorate their new rooms by picking out a fun paint color, a new light, and new bedspread and sheets to fit the “big girl bed.”

They made a make-your-own sign with their name on it, got colorful wall decals and they each got a new bean bag chair for reading.

Getting them pumped about their new room will help them get ready for their first night in a new space.

7. Read books about moving.

Reading books is always a helpful way to help kids deal with something big in their lives. They can empathize with the characters, talk about their feelings and verbalize something that was worrying them they didn’t even realize was worrying them.

Our favorite books for moving:
Boomer’s Big Day

Berenstain Bears Moving Day

Find books about your new state or city and learn about the famous attractions, fun things to do, and the local sports teams. It will help you all feel attached to your new home state or city.

My kids loved these series:

50 States To Celebrate Series

Good Night Series:

Cool Stuff Every Kid Should Know Series:

Alphabet books for Each State 

Kid’s Guides Series:

To find great books about your new town, check out the “local” section in the town bookstore…they’ll have guidebooks, chapter books and board books your kids will love.

8. Take photos of your old house before you start packing.

I took a ton of pictures of our house before we started packing and turned them into a book for our kids.

They love looking back and reminiscing about their old shared room and the tiny bathroom all five of us shared and the couch we kept in our garage for watching old Disney movies.

They pull out that photo book whenever they’re feeling lonely for our old house.

And we talk about our old house and old town often. We tell them stories about picnics to the beach and trips to Disneyland and water play in January.

9. Pare down and declutter early

If you have to pare down your kids’ toys or clothes for the new house, do it as far away from your move date as you can so your kids don’t associate giving up old toys (something usually perceived as negative by my kids) to the move (something I want to have positive vibes around).

One magic trick for getting kids to clean out their own stuff is to lay it all out and ask them which toys or stuffed animals or t-shirts they want to keep.

Give them a number and have them choose that many items they want to save. The mindset of “keeping” or “saving” things is way easier than picking out what they’ve got to give away.

10. Make Pen Pal kits.

Saying goodbye to old friends is sad. Keeping in touch with drawings and letters is a simple way to make the good-byes feel less final.

I found some inexpensive stationary and popped them in bags with a few stamps and pre-addressed labels. We then passed the bags out to their friends and classmates so they could stay in touch and be pen pals.

My kids’ eyes lit up whenever they receive mail… but mail from an old friend or neighbor is like gold!

11. Have them help pack.

The concept of having their prized possessions packed into boxes and thrown on a truck and it all magically showing up days later was a scary concept for my kids.

Having my kids help pack their toys into boxes helped a lot. I reminded them that as soon as we got to our new house and the truck pulled up, all of their stuff would be safely inside the box, just as we packed it.

And then I let my kids draw on the boxes because 1) it kept them busy while I was packing and 2) they felt more ownership of the process and the box.

12. Have them pack a special backpack.

Some prized possessions are just too special to put in a box and on a truck.

I have my kids help me pack their backpacks for the flight or for the drive so their most special things stay firmly in their possession and control: stuffed animals, favorite books and toys, blankies, a favorite cup.

And I pack whatever I need to make the journey easier, like snacks and activities to keep them busy or a special trinket.

For my son, that’s an acrylic case holding a game ball from two baseball seasons ago.

It’s bulky and won’t provide any entertainment for him, but it has to come with us in his backpack. Because the look in his eyes when I mentioned maybe it would get packed in a box, let me know it was non-negotiable. For his mental health to stay intact, the ball was coming with us packed in his special backpack.

13. Plan a going away party.

Saying goodbye is going to be hard. For everyone.

Having a set time when friends can stop by and get one more hug can either be extra hard or a lifesaver…it depends on your kid’s personality.

If you go for it, resist the urge to host it at your house because you’ll have too much going on and your house will be empty or in utter chaos.

Try having it at a neighbor’s house or a local park and let everyone drop in and say “hi” and “goodbye” when they can.

14. Take photos of your new house right after the big move.

When we arrive in our new hometowns, we take the time to snap a photo of our kids on the front steps of our new house. And in my kids’ new rooms. And in their new backyard.

We try to make it all feel special and we start by calling it “our house.”

And then I put all those photos into a new photo book they can look at.

15. Unpack their rooms first.

My husband and I can re-wear our jeans another day and we can sleep on the couch if we have to, but my kids’ boxes were the first things on my unpack list.

While the movers unloaded the boxes and furniture, I hung out upstairs, unpacking kids’ clothes into drawers and putting books on shelves and crayons into desks.

My kids’ beds were made before nightfall and they were tucked into familiar sheets with their comfy pillows and their obscenely large collection of stuffed animals.

16. Hang up family photos as soon as you can.

Having familiar things up and around us makes our new house feel like our home sooner.

My china and linen closet and pantry could wait. Our throw pillows and family pictures and dinner dishes made us feel more comfortable and more at home in our new surroundings.

17. Plan fun things in your new town right away.

Since this is our new home, finding fun things to do will be a definite upside to a move. This is especially important if your kids are feeling unsure or depressed about leaving their old hometown.

We found all the closest parks, the local kid’s museum, and the library so we could sign up for new library cards (In Boston, we went to the library on our second day in town and it was a lifesaver!)

We found all the ice cream shops and frozen yogurt shops and the used bookstore. It’s the little things that make our new town feel like home sooner.

18. Prepare them for their new school.

We reached out to our kids’ new school and asked if they could take a tour before school starts or before they showed up on their first day for class.

The administrators or office manager have also been able to help me find kids in our new neighborhood that are in the same grade or class as my kids.

Having friendly faces before they show up to school can be extremely comforting.

Related: Help your Kids Make New Friends

I reassure my kids that everything will be ready for them at school. Their desk and their supplies and their books will be all there.

If they have an IEP like my daughter, try to plan your IEP meeting before school starts so everyone is onboard with what your child will need to be successful.

If they have a food allergy like my son, meet with the school nurse and ensure that all precautions will be met so you can reassure your child they will be safe at lunchtime.

Related: NEW SCHOOL? How to Help Your Kids Adjust to a New School Quicker 

19. Eat dinner at a local family restaurant.

In each new town we live in, we find a familiar, but new family-friendly restaurant that will be our new go-to dinner place.

The restaurant we ate dinner at our first night in town in Boston became our go-to family date dinner place. We ended up eating there on our last night in town too. It was just a local Italian restaurant, but it felt special to us.

20. Purchase local sports teams’ gear.

One thing that helped my son fit in with the kids at school quickly was having gear for the local sports teams.

We will always be LA Dodger loyalists, but my son also owns Red Sox and Cubs hats. This baseball hat collection lets him choose what to wear to “Sports Day” at school.

Plus then we have fun gear to wear to local games. When we can, we go to the stadiums and cheer on our new local teams. Nothing helps you feel part of a new city than cheering on the team with 50,000 other fans.

21. Plan a trip to go back and visit soon after the big move.

This may not be feasible for everyone, but we happened to plan a trip to our old town one month after we moved away.

Which proved to be a lifesaver.

Because as we were saying our goodbyes, it wasn’t forever. It wasn’t for a year.

It was only for one month.

Which made the goodbyes more manageable for everyone.

Whether you’re moving for a job or to be closer to family, a big move can be a grand adventure. But it can also weigh heavily on your kids’ hearts.

Change is hard. The unknown can be scary. The anxiety of being the “new kid” and not having friends can be overwhelming.

But when we take the time to focus on helping our kids through this process, it is a smoother, more positive experience for everyone.

Just don’t forget to pack all your lists. And the special baseball in it’s acrylic case.

The post How to Prepare Your Kids for a Big Move appeared first on Coffee and Carpool: Intentionally Raising Kind Kids.

As a mom to three and a Girl Scout leader, we eat a lot of cookies around here.

We decorate cookies at Christmas, we sell Girl Scout cookies in winter and we make Friendship cookies.

Because cookies make most things better.

So cookies are a great way to sneak in some learning about social emotional learning and kindness.

When we want kids to speak and act with kindness more often, we have to intentionally teach them how and then give them lots of practice to make kindness a habit.

To make that easier, we gathered all of our best cookie kindness resources and put them all in one place because when we make learning fun kids won’t even realize they’re learning. 

Other Food-Themed Kindness Resources

When we’re teaching kids about anything, we need to tap into what they’re already interested in to really engage their brains.

One simple way is with fun food-themed resources like pizza, watermelon, cookies and lemonade.  You can use these food-themed kindness resources year-round to encourage more kindness and sneak in some hands-on social emotional learning:

Ice Cream Kindness Bundle

Pizza Kindness Bundle

Watermelon Kind or Unkind Sort

Popsicle Craft and Write

Apple Craft and Write

Apple Kind or Unkind Sort

Popcorn Kind or Unkind Sort

Lemonade Craft and Write

Kindness Recipe

And we use the resources in the Cookie Kindness Bundle.

What’s Included in the Kindness Cookie Bundle:

This Cookie Kindness Bundle includes 6 Kindness Activities:

• Emergent Reader: Gingerbread Cookies Kindness and writing
• Cookie Kindness Craft and Write
• Kindness game: Cookie Kind or Unkind sort
• Cookie-themed Kindness coloring pages
• Cookie Kindness Challenge to encourage more kindness
• Recipe for Friendship Cookies kids can make in a group

How to Use the Kindness Cookie Bundle:

1. Purchase and print out the cookie kindness resources you wish to use.

2. For the Cookie Kind or Unkind Sort, print out the cookie cards and cookie jars in color or in black and white. If you use black and white, color the cookies.

Students can sort the cookies with clip art during centers in a small group or use during your Morning Meeting as a discussion or group game.

3. Follow up with the worksheet so students can show what they know about kind and unkind behaviors.

4. Connect this to writing with one of the two writing sheets that comes with this resource.

5. For the Cookie Kind Craft and Write, students can create cookie kind art with small or large cookies. They can brainstorm and then write ways to be be kind more often to classmates, friends, teachers, and family members.

6. Then display the cookie craft and writes in your classroom or hallway and encourage kids to share what their writing says to connect to listening and speaking skills.

7. Kids can read our Gingerbread Cookie Kindness Emergent Reader to learn different ways to show kindness while baking.

8. Kids can follow up with gingerbread cookie writing and discussion starters.

9. These cookie-themed kindness coloring pages are perfect for early finishers, rainy day activities, or for calming down moments.

10. Encourage kids to speak and act with more kindness with this Cookie Kindness Challenge. Every time they’re kind, they can color in a chocolate chip. When they get to the end of the cookie, you can use positive reinforcement to encourage more kindness.

11. Kids can make these Friendship Cookies with classmates or friends and then eat them together or gift them away.

All of these cookie resources with a kindness focus will help get kids excited- because who doesn’t love cookies?- and sneak in some learning about kindness with tons of opportunities to be kind more often.

Ready to get the Cookie Kindness Bundle? Get it here. 

The post Kindness Cookie Resources to Teach SEL appeared first on Coffee and Carpool: Intentionally Raising Kind Kids.

My husband works for a huge corporation that is always touting “work life balance.”

They encourage their employees to shut down the computers and ignore the emails and not answer work calls during dinner. And they don’t really want employees working on the weekends.

But what about moms?

Especially stay-at-home moms?

We literally, figuratively, emotionally, and spiritually work from home.

And our work is never done.

There’s always one more load of laundry. A sticky mess to scrub. And there’s always a dirty cup. Why are there so many freaking dirty cups?

So how do moms do it all without feeling mom overload? How do moms find work life balance?

Mom Work Life Balance

There’s enough mom guilt going around the parks, playgroups, and on social media.

As moms, we’re either doing too much or not doing enough and either way, we’re wrong.

Related: For the Mom Who Doesn’t Think She’s Doing Enough

Working moms are pitted against stay at home moms who are pitted against work from home moms. And the guilt keeps getting piled on top of our loads of laundry.

I’ve heard two schools of thought on handling all the mom work life balance that is required of us.

1) Housework Comes First- Some moms can’t sit, relax or build a Lego with their kids until the dishes are done. The dirty dishes in the sink mock them as they pour themselves a third cup of coffee. These moms tend to have spotless homes at all times but then apologize about how dirty the house is.

2) Ignore the Housework, the Kids Come First- Some moms let all the chores go to be in the moment and play with their kids. These moms let the dishes pile up because time with their kids are way more important than the dirty cups.

But neither of these options work for me. Neither makes me feel like I’m choosing the right thing.

Because there’s got to be some balance here.

If we only do housework, we can’t enjoy time with our kids.

And if we neglect the house chores soon everyone will be going commando and wearing pants during the summer.

We must find some mom life balance.

And honestly, we need to avoid the extremes because the all or nothing method for any part of our lives can be damaging, stressful and guilt-inducing.

Some days, the housework comes first. Some days, the kids come first.

Some moments, the housework comes first. Some moments, the kids come first.

It has to be an ebb and flow, a give and take, a true balance.

Sometimes the dishes pile up and I’m building Legos, sometimes the kitchen is spotless and my kids are playing on their own or playing with each other.

And I can ditch the mom guilt more often when I strike a balance.

We can’t do all the things all the time. But we can do all the things some of the time.

And while I’m raising three young kids, that’s good enough for me.

How to Find Mom Work Life Balance

It’s all fine and dandy to say we’re going to ignore the chores or purposefully choose not to play with our kids. But finding ways to make it happen can be a little trickier.

Here are a few of my tips, tricks and mom hacks to find more balance in my mom life:

1. Pass out chores-

Kids need to do chores for a myriad of reasons but in our house, one of them is I hate emptying the dishwasher. My daughter has been putting away a part of the dishwasher since she was two (like all the spoons or all the kid cups) and has graduated to emptying the whole thing when she was about 7.

When my kids help out with household chores, I’m done sooner and can play with them sooner. Plus they learn what it takes to be a functioning member of a household who uses too many cups.

Related: How to Get Kids Chores Done and Raise Helpers

2. Meal plan-

This is seriously the most amazing transformation I’ve found in my mom responsibilities. Standing in front of the pantry at 5:30 trying to figure out what to make for dinner is a thing of the past. My whole family helps me figure out what to eat for the whole week, we write down a grocery list, and then purchase what we need for those meals. Less stress at 5:30 on school nights has been seriously life changing.

3. Create a schedule-

I meal plan and make my grocery lists on Sundays and then grocery shop on Mondays. On Tuesday, I hit up Costco and treat myself to a $1 hotdog for lunch. Food is in the fridge when we need it and I’m not running to the store at 7pm with all three kids to get milk for morning cereal. A schedule helps my brain stay focused and feel more in control.

4. Stick to a Laundry Schedule-

A friend shared this tip with me and it has revolutionized how we deal with the piles of laundry. Each of my kids does their laundry on a specific day of the week. They bring their clothes down in the morning and help put it in the washing machine. I transfer it to the dryer while they’re at school and then they help fold and put it away after their homework is done. We sometimes fall behind, but it sure beats 20 loads dominating our weekend.

5. Keep a basket on the stairs and each room-

I have a basket on the stairs and when I find something that belongs upstairs, I dump it in the basket. It saves me a trip from going up just to put that one thing away. I also have a basket in most of the rooms of our house for the same purpose. The trick is remembering to empty the basket more than once a month.

6. Get crazy busy for 10 minutes-

My husband calls it “moding” but I tend to get a ton done if I’m highly motivated to clean a space in a very short amount of time. I move in zig zag patterns, picking up the clutter that tends to accumulate in a house of five people. I dump it where it needs to go, usually in one of the baskets. And I often set a timer and have the kids help.

7. Give kids a specific task to clean-

When I ask my kids to clean their rooms, they’re usually so overwhelmed by the request nothing gets done. Instead, I give them a very specific task such as, put all the books in a pile by your bookshelf, pick up all the stuffed animals and put them in the basket, pick up dirty clothes and put them in the laundry basket. Specific activities chunk the chore into manageable pieces so my kids are actually working and helping.

8. Do a little something and be done-

I do what my grandma used to call a “lick and a promise.” I’ll wipe a counter top down (that’s the lick) and then promise to come back to scrub the sink, the stove, and the microwave. I deal with the rest later. Or I don’t.

9. Keep Lysol wipes in your bathroom-

I often don’t have time to clean an entire bathroom as often as I “should.” But I do have time to do a quick wipe down while I’m brushing my teeth. I can wipe the counters and the toilet seat in under a minute. Not the best long term solution—especially if you have potty training kids or young boys working on their aim—but it’s better than nothing.

10. Iron-

Just kidding. I don’t iron. Ever.

11. Have the kids help make dinner-

It may take longer to actually make the dinner, but you’re spending time with them while you’re getting your parenting jobs done. Plus, they’re learning more very necessary life skills like how to be in the kitchen without using 12 cups.

12. Pick and choose when you want to play with the kids-

I ignore the dishes when it’s time to read books or snuggle on the couch for a family movie. But I get my mom chores done when my daughters want to play dolls. Because I can’t stand playing dolls. See? Balance.

13. Purposefully choose to relax-

A lot of moms use the evenings to get all the things done they couldn’t fit into their day once the kids are finally asleep. But then we fall into bed spent, exhausted, and annoyed it will all start over again tomorrow. Relaxing makes us better moms because then we’re recharged and ready to go. I use my evenings to read, write, or spend time with my hubby. I binge watch TV and work on the projects I want to do. The dishes and laundry will be there tomorrow while my daughters are playing dolls.

**And obviously this is easier said than done if you’re a single mom or you have a partner that doesn’t share the mental load.

14. Share the Mental Load-

One trick my husband and I found on accident helps share the mental load of upcoming parties, sports games, and school tests is that at the beginning of each new school year and new activities, I put both of our emails on the sign up sheet. He gets the same emails I get. He can check in on studying for tests and he knows what color jersey needs to be worn and knows the time changed for the scout event. Here’s how sharing the mental load works because no one can or should do it all alone.

15. Lean on your Friends-

Parenting is not easy. It’ll never be easy. But when it feels extra hard, lean on your friends. Being around other people who are dealing with similar issues and can commiserate, support, or help you. Friends help you carpool which is a lifesaver. Friends will host playdates so your kids are occupied and busy. And true friends will not judge your messy house when they come over for a beer or a coffee.

Related: Don’t have a ton of friends? Here’s how Introverts can Find Mom Friends

My house will never always be perfectly clean. Unless I’m hosting a party or guests are staying the night.

My kids will never always have me as a playmate. That’s why I gave them siblings.

But my house is sometimes clean. And I’m sometimes a playmate.

And that’s okay.

It’s okay to not do all the things and find a mom work life balance that feels good to you.

Because if my husband can shut off his computer and phone from his day job, then I can shut off my mom work too.

Because let’s face it. Mom work is never done. It’s never-ending.

We can only do so much and we have to let the rest go. Along with the guilt that we’re not perfectly getting all the things done.

And this mom gig will be so much easier- and far more enjoyable- for all of us if we take a breath, enjoy it a little, and spend a little less time scrubbing dirty cups.

The post How to Find a Mom Work Life Balance appeared first on Coffee and Carpool: Intentionally Raising Kind Kids.