Last February, I spent the cold morning outside of a grocery store with 10 little girls as they asked people to buy Girl Scout cookies.

They heard everything from yes, to no, to I already bought some.

And my job was to help them respond with gratitude and kindness. To be businesswomen who don’t take “no” personally. Who offer potential customers to donate them to our troops if they can’t eat the cookies themselves.

We work on being polite and selling with a smile and how to make change correctly. All essential life skills.

At the end of our cookie booth shift, another troop was scheduled to take over our area.

The leader began to set up early while we were still selling and her cases of cookies got super close to ours. As I packed up my girls and our cookies to get out of her way, she accused me of stealing a case of her cookies.

Listen, it’s easy to be kind to others when they’re kind to us. But when others are unkind or downright rude, it can be hard to maintain our kind demeanor.

But my girls were watching me.

I had to show them how to be kind even when I didn’t really feel like it. 

So I smiled and told her I was pretty sure I only took my cookies, but I would of course double-check.

And I didn’t have her cookies, but she didn’t believe me. She kept insisting I had her cookies and wanted my name and phone number.

I kept my cool and kept my kindness and later we found out she had left her case of cookies in her own driveway.

Of course she did.

But the takeaway was how I handled the situation. Because I talked to my girls about it.

They commented on how mean she was.

And I agreed. But I told them even when someone is unkind, and we’re mad about it, we don’t have to be mean back. 

Related: How to Help Kids be Mad Without Being Mean

And we talked about how I handled it.

I smiled at her. I stayed calm. And I got help because I needed it (I had to call someone in charge of this cookie madness so they knew there was an issue that might get rolled up to them).

And my girls saw all of it.

In that moment, they saw I hold myself to the same standards I hold them to. Because it’s also essential to be a kind adult. 

Why should adults be kind?

We are raising our kids to be kind because it’s essential to make sure they become the best versions of themselves.

It’s so important to us, it’s one of our only two family rules.

When our kids are kind to their classmates, kind to their teammates, and kind to safe strangers, they not only make the world a better place, they also inspire others to act and speak with kindness. 

And when our kids are kind to their siblings, our whole family dynamic shifts to a calmer, more peaceful place to be.

Kind siblings make my world a better place.

Related: Raising Kinder Siblings 

To raise kind kids, we have to do a couple of things:

• we talk about kindness with these 60 kindness discussion starters,
• we praise kindness when we see it and “reward” the behavior with a positive consequence,
• and we give our kids opportunities to show they’re kind with kindness challenges and kindness activities and kindness crafts.

But as adults, we often forget the most important component of raising kind kids: modeling kindness for them.

Related: How to be the role model our kids want and need

If we expect our kids to be kind, we have to walk the walk and talk the talk.

We have to show our kids appropriate behaviors of how to interact in tricky social situations.

And since our kids watch our every move and are always absorbing what we say, we have to show them what kindness looks like and sounds like. 

And how can I tell my kids to do something I don’t do?

Simply put, I can’t. 

Simple Ways  to Be a Kind Adult:

1. Be mindful of others with simple, normal, everyday acts of kindness

Be mindful of other people around us by looking up and being thoughtful.

These are great teachable moments and show our kids how we can infuse kindness into our every day lives with very little effort or hardship on our part.

But they make someone else’s day just a little bit easier and we don’t really know how big of an impact that can have on someone else’s day.

• We can look behind us to see if someone is there before letting go of the door.
• We can help a mama with a stroller and a toddler in tow get through the door.
• We can tuck our legs in as someone is trying to pass.
• We can move our bags off our chair so someone else can sit down.
• We can give up our seat to someone who needs it more than us.
• We can bus our table at a restaurant and throw our trash away at a movie theater.
• And we can smile at people and thank people when they help us.

Inspire your kids to also participate in simple, normal, everyday acts of kindness Scavenger Hunt.

2. Look for ways to be a helper

When we see someone who is struggling, ask if you can help them.

And help them with a smile and generous heart without expecting anything in return.

Or you can just help if it’s not intrusive.

• Pick up something someone drops.
• Offer napkins to the people at the table next to me who spilled their water.
• Get a drink for someone when you get yourself one.
• Do someone else’s chore just because you can.
• Offer to take a family’s photo.
• Reach something high for someone who is struggling to get it down.

Here are ways you can also encourage your kids to help

3. Give freely

No matter how little we have, someone always has less.

And it feels good to give to others who need something because it releases dopamine in our brains. And then we want to give more.

We can give a little or we can give a lot.

But when we give to others it shows our kids this is a part of life.

Some cultures and religions call it charity or tithing or tzedakah.

You can give money or give goods in kind or give your time.

But give what you can, when you can, as often as you can. And have your kids help you.

And more importantly, don’t feel guilty if you haven’t given as much as you want or as often as you want.

Just do what you can now.

Related: Family Friendly Ways to Volunteer and Give to Others

4. Speak kindly to your kids

As an adult, it’s super easy to use our position of power to talk down to our kids.

To speak to them with unkindness, because we can.

There’s no one telling us we can’t.

But we can’t.

If we want our kids to speak with kindness and treat us with respect, we also have to speak to our kids with kindness and treat them with respect.

To do that, we have to keep our emotions in check.

We have to stay calm when they misbehave or break our family rules or speak unkindly to us.

It’s not always easy, but we have to be kind to our kids.

Because we can.

And because we’re the only adult in the relationship and we need to model kindness for them.

Related: How to not blow up when our kids are unkind to us

5. Speak kindly about others (especially in front of your kids)

People can be unkind. They can be rude. They cut us off on the freeway. And they accuse us of being a cookie stealer.

But when we speak, our kids are listening to us.

We can call them mean names in our head if we need to. But out loud, show our kids how to react to someone who is unkind or rude.

I usually just announce how unkind they were or what an unsafe driver they’re being.

And then I move on.

Need help staying kind even when you don’t feel like it? Be authentic more often by filling your mind with the right kinds of messages like the ones in this Daily Authenticity Calendar.

6. Be a good friend

Show your kids how to be a good friend by being a good friend yourself.

Help your friends and offer to help their kids.

Give out compliments freely and keep the judgement to yourself.

Be your friends’ biggest cheerleaders and be there on their worst day.

Being a good friend shows our kids how to be a good friend and what true friendship looks like.

Related: How to help our kids be a good friend

7. Be an includer

We often talk to our kids about being an includer, a welcomer, a person who reaches out to someone sitting by themselves.

It’s the highest form of kindness.

Related: How to teach your kid to be an includer.

But it applies to adults too.

Invite someone to sit next to you.

Introduce yourself to the new mom on the playground.

Take something to a new neighbor and invite their kids to play with your kids.

Open up your circle of mom friends. Be the welcome wagon.

8. Compliment kindness when you see it

When you see someone else do something awesome, call it out.

If a kid is kind, praise them to their parents so they can hear.

When you see a teen or tween act with kindness, praise them.

Give compliments freely.

Lift others up.

9. Smile and say “hi” often

A simple smile can lift anyone’s day or spirits.

Challenge yourself to smile to strangers and acquaintances.

Smile at the mail carrier and the garbage collector and the janitor.

As an added bonus, smiling will make you feel happier.

Wave to kids who wave to you.

Say ‘hi‘ as you pass someone. Interacting with people around us connects us to other people.

And that connection feels good.

10. Hold peers, family, and friends accountable to be kind adults too

When you see a peer being unkind or bullying someone else, stand up to them.

Speak out against unkindness.

Speak up for someone who needs you to speak up.

Stand with victims of bullying and racial injustice and homophobia.

Don’t allow your friends or family to use slurs.

Don’t let people use the “r” word to describe people with learning differences.

Call them out on it, tell them to knock it off, and make it clear you don’t allow cruelty, bullying, and hatefulness in your life.

Because if we want a kinder world, a world where our kids are kind to others, we have to be kind first.

We have to live a life full of kindness.

And we have to expect kindness from others.

Even if they don’t show it.

Even if they accuse us of stealing a case of Girl Scout cookies.

Because our kids are watching us and learning how to be kind from us. 

The post How to Be a Kind Adult appeared first on Coffee and Carpool: Intentionally Raising Kind Kids.

Would you like a sip of lemonade before I finish it?

What show do you want to watch? It’s your turn to pick.

Here, you can use my eraser.

I’m getting juice. Would you like a cup?

What’s so miraculous about these simple statements?

Well first, they’re kind. Just everyday, normal statements that are kind.

Second, they were said by kids. And unprompted kind statements from children make my heart leap because it’s getting a peek into their little sweet, giving souls.

But most importantly, they were said by one of my kids to another one of my kids.

I heard it with my own ears: my kids were being kind to their siblings without prompts, without reminders, or without “the mom look.”

And I wanted to throw a party.

Because all the effort and all the reminders and all our discussions on kindness is working. It’s sinking in.

Now does it work all the time? Are my kids kind to their siblings every time, every day? Are they perfect?

To quote my son, “Nope. Not even close.”

But genuine, real acts of kindness are popping up in my house and happening without prompting, reminding, or cajolling my children.

And they’re happening more often.

But these quiet and simple moments of kindness didn’t happen by magic or by crossing my fingers.

Raising kind kids takes work. Hard work.

On purpose, intentional parenting to ensure my children remember to be kinder to everyone, but especially their siblings.

Why is it Crucial to Expect Our Kids to be Kind to Their Siblings:

I want my kids to be kind to their siblings for a myriad of reasons.

I want them to enjoy being together.

I want them to create a strong relationship now that will carry them through into adulthood.

And I want a more peaceful home…We live in a small house.

My kids share rooms. They share toys. They share our space.

And I hear everything. I’m around all their interactions and I’m party to all their disagreements due to the thinness of our walls.

So besides the fact that I genuinely and truly want them to be kind people, and I want them to have positive interactions with their siblings, I also don’t want to be living with and surrounded daily by unkind little people who shriek mean things at each other.

But since they’re siblings and they live in tight quarters with people who push their buttons, the meanness can come out.

And at home, my kids know they can let their hair down. They’ve been on their best behavior all day long at school and soccer practice and on the playground.

So when they get home, they’re often tired and cranky and they take it out on the people nearest them: their siblings.

So please don’t think for one second that it’s all sunshine and rainbows around here.

We’re shooting for genuine, real, chose-to-be-kind-because-they-wanted-to interactions. And those simply don’t happen all the time.

But I’ll tell you what. They’re happening more often. It’s becoming more of a go-to reaction for my kids.

Which proves it’s working.

Is Teaching Kids How to be Kind a One-Time Event?

Some kids are pre-dispositioned to be kind. Other kids- like my kids– need to be explicitly taught how to be kind. They need to be shown what kindness looks like, what it sounds like, and what it feels like.

Why? Because young kids are wired to be self-centered. Research shows their brains are not mature enough to regulate “selfish impulses, even when they know better.”

So it takes time. And it takes repetition. And it also takes patience to help our children learn to think of others, to place themselves in someone else’s shoes, and to choose to be helpful.

Related: How to Raise Kids to Be Kinder

We have to rewire our kids’ brains and throw some positive “brainwashing” in so kindness becomes their knee-jerk reaction. It becomes their go-to response. And it feels natural to them.

But this whole process of teaching our kids to be kinder to their siblings can take longer than we want it to.

Because in the process of intentionally, and on purpose raising kind kids, it’s not always going to be sunshine and rainbows.

I’ve also heard in my house, (said with the most attitude and saltiness you can conjure):

I’ll be kind if you’re kind.
You’re not being kind to me so I’m not going to be kind to you.
Why should I be kind to her? She’s so mean.
No, you can’t use it. STOP TOUCHING MY STUFF! (shrieked at an ear piercing level)

I’m not expecting perfection from my kids. But I do expect them to be getting kinder to their siblings over time.

How to Help Kids be Kinder to Their Siblings:

We want our kids to be kind to their siblings. To choose to be kind. To realize it feels good to be kind.

These are my family’s ways to make that happen:

1. Help Your Kids Connect With Their Siblings:

Kids won’t want to be kind to people they genuinely dislike. So to ensure my kids actually like each other, we spend time creating strong sibling relationships. We diffuse jealousy and competition and increase their collaboration and sense of being in a “club” together…a siblings club.

Want to help your kids connect with each other as siblings? Here are 18 powerful ways to help your kids connect with each other and create positive sibling relationships. We have also made them Sibling Books they love to share and read together.

Related: Have a new baby joining the family? Read this article from Messy Motherhood on helping older children connect with their new siblings and prevent sibling jealousy.

2. Connect With the Whole Family:

Kids who feel they don’t fit into their family or have to compete for love, attention, and respect will be unlikely to show kindness to anyone in their family.

When we take the time to build a strong family identity, our kids will feel secure in their place in our family. And when they feel emotionally safe and like they really belong, they will let their guard down and not feel like they need to compete, elbows out with anyone they live with for what they need. They will have no reason not to be kind. 

Related: How to build a strong family identity

3. Talk About Kindness Often:

We talk about kindness often.

We point it out when we’re watching TV shows and movies together.

We talk about it when we read books.

And we talk about kindness in the car and around the dinner table. We use these 60 Discussion Starters to start conversations about being a good friend, being a helper, being mindful of others, and including others. Get them here for your family.

4. Fill Your Bookshelf with Kindness Books:

One simple way to talk about kindness and what makes someone a kind person is to read books with kind characters. 

If you have a reluctant reader who loves a book with an unkind character, you can use that to your advantage and talk about their unkind actions.

Here are a few of my favorite books on kindness:

Strictly No Elephants

How to Be a Friend

Be Kind

Try a Little Kindness

Want more books on kindness? Click here. 

5. Model Kindness:

Our kids are watching and listening to our every move. So if we want to raise kind kids, we ourselves need to be kind to others.

We need to offer someone to cut in front of us in the grocery line when they have one thing and we have 100. We need to hold the door open for the people behind us. We need to help our neighbors bring in their trash cans and newspapers.

Show them how to be considerate and mindful of others around them.

Because our kids are watching.

They will emulate us. They will do what we do. So we must act with kindness.

6. Make Being Kind a family rule:

Kindness is so important in our family we’ve made it one of our only two family rules.

Because being kind covers backtalk, sarcasm, mean words, mean tone, “bad” words or profanity, teasing, ignoring me or siblings, physical hurting of any kind, turn-taking,sharing, helping someone,thinking of others, not hurting feelings, thoughtfulness, including siblings in play or activities, standing up for siblings, and using manners.

7. “Ban” These 15 Surprising Things in Your Home:

To help my kids remember to stay kind and to choose kind, we have “banned” these 15 surprising things in our home.

These 15 things are highly discouraged and warrant reminders that we do not do these things in our family because these 15 things hack away at kindness.

8. Create a Kindness Challenge for Your Family:

Spend time on active kindness activities with your family. We love the kindness rocks project, Random Acts of Kindness, volunteering, and kindness challenges.

Or get the Kindness Elves to visit your kids- The Kindness Elves are sweet little elves that come to your home and bring kindness ideas your kids can act on: bring in the trash cans for your neighbor, take cookies to your local fire station, bring a coffee to your teacher.

All of these things will encourage your kids to choose to be kinder to their siblings more often.

Will they be kind immediately? Nope.
Will they always remember? Nope.
Will they never fight or argue with their siblings? Nope.

But it will work.

And they will eventually remember.

And the bickering will happen less and less often.

There will be more sunshine and rainbows.

And that is cause enough to throw more parties.

The post How to Teach Our Kids to Be Kinder to Their Siblings appeared first on Coffee and Carpool: Intentionally Raising Kind Kids.

It was a Tuesday afternoon and I was in a standoff with a two-year-old. It was unclear as to who had the upper hand.

I had to get her to wear her sunglasses. She can’t see without them and because of a rare medical condition, her vision would be ruined if she stepped outside without them.

And my daughter refused to keep them on.

She was testing every limit. Every ounce of patience I had.

I got mad. And she got madder. She started to have a temper tantrum and I started to have one too.

No glasses, she screamed as she stomped her feet.

I begged. I tried to plead. I cajoled.

It wasn’t working. Nothing was working.

This was turning into a lose-lose parenting moment.

I was outmaneuvered by a two-year-old because I couldn’t get her to do what I needed her to do.

What she had to do to stay safe.

I had to protect her, but I needed her to listen in order for me to keep her eyes protected.

I felt helpless. And out of control and tired.  She was tired. And felt helpless and out of control too.

We were a mess.

And we had to figure this out fast, because with a strong-willed, determined toddler who had very specific medical needs and an infant due any minute, I was on a time crunch.

She had to listen.  But how could I get her to do what I wanted and needed her to do?

How could I get through to her that I was in charge, without breaking her spirit? Without hitting her? Without punishing her?

For that, I turned to Positive Parenting and its techniques.

What is Positive Parenting?

I am, by no means, the end all be all expert on positive parenting.

What I am, is a mom of three kids who had to figure it out as I went.

I read the best parenting books. I surrounded myself with incredible teachers. And I learned from other parents.

I made mistakes…and I still make mistakes.

But what I learned is Positive Parenting, and its techniques make me a calmer, happier, more peaceful parent.

Which makes my home and kids calmer and happier too.

And while everyone approaches Positive Parenting in slightly different ways, there are some commonalities to it you can start implementing today.

There are a few Positive Parenting techniques that will make your home happier and calmer and more peaceful.

I’m all for being a calmer and less angry mom. Here’s what we do in our home to make it work:

1. Respect Our Kids

My kids are strong-willed, determined and bossy. They have big personalities and are spirited. We are what some people call a “spicy family.”

But my job is to make my kids the best people they can be without squashing their spirits.

I don’t want them to fear me. I don’t want them to be afraid of my “wrath” and I am not trying to control my kids.

But I am still in charge.

I can respect my kids and their feelings without being a permissive parent.

Because it’s my job to mold them and grow them and channel their spirited responses into socially acceptable behaviors that are in line with our family’s values.

One simple way I respect my kids is by empathizing with them.

I get down on my kids’ level by kneeling or sitting, and I talk to them when they’re having big feelings or big reactions.

• I hear you don’t want to wear the glasses. But you need to wear a pair of sunglasses to keep your eyes safe. Which pair do you want to wear? She didn’t like the pair I was offering her. That’s fine. But we needed to find something she does want to wear.
• I know you don’t like Tater Tot casserole and I’m sorry you don’t want to eat it. But it’s what I served for dinner and you can eat it or get a piece of fruit. I can empathize that they don’t like my dinner without making them macaroni and cheese.
• You really want the cookie. I totally get it. The cookie looks delicious. But cookies are a sweet treat and we need to eat our dinner before we eat sugar. Cookies are delicious and I want one before dinner too. But they still don’t get one.
• You don’t want to stop playing and go pee. I know you want to keep playing. And you don’t feel like you have to pee. But you do have to sit on the potty for a minute and try. And the faster you do that, the faster you can get back to playing. I don’t like stopping what I’m doing to pee either. But it has to happen. So let’s get it done so there are no accidents and then they can get back to playing faster.
• You don’t want to stay in bed. You want to come downstairs. But the day is over and it’s time for you to stay in bed. You don’t have to fall asleep, but you do have to keep your head on your pillow. Going to be bed when you don’t feel tired or when you’re afraid you’re missing out on something isn’t fun. I get it. But our kids need their rest. So they’re staying in bed.

I don’t give in to what my kids want when they’re upset or throwing a tantrum, but I  acknowledge their big feelings. Because their feelings are valued and important. 

And knowing they are heard and understood is powerful for our kids.

2. Giving Kids Choices You Can Live With:

To get my daughter to listen to me and do what I asked her to do, I had to listen to her first.

She didn’t want to wear the glasses I handed her. She was being told what to do and when to do it and she felt out of control. So she ripped them off her face whenever she chose to do so.

I had to give her some say in the matter to get her to “buy in” to what I needed her to do. She had to feel like she had a say.

I simply asked her, “Which pair of glasses do you want to wear? Pink or purple?”

With this simple offering, she’s not choosing between wearing or not wearing the glasses. She’s choosing between the pink and purple glasses. And I don’t care which ones she wears as long as she has one of them on her face.

And all of a sudden with that simple choice, she felt more in control of her situation and her behavior.

This is not permissive parenting. I’m still in charge. But she has a little control over what happens in her life, which makes all the difference in the world to her.

Other choices I can live with:

• You put on your seatbelt or I put on your seatbelt?
• Put on your right shoe or your left shoe first?
• Put your shirt on first or your pants on first?
• Red cup or blue cup?
• One book or two books for bedtime?

And because we give our kids choices about colors or order of events or who does it, when we face something that’s not a choice, they don’t put up a fight.

• Bike helmets are not an option.
• Seat belts are not an option.
• Keeping your clothes on in public is not an option.

3. Clear Expectations and Family Rules

Positive parenting still involves rules. I love rules. And while our kids might not be able to verbalize it, they love rules too.

Because rules let them know exactly what we expect from them. When they know what we need them to do, our kids can be successful, right away.

Our kids aren’t left wondering if they’ll get in trouble for something they did today but didn’t get in trouble for yesterday.

And to keep our family rules simple and easy to follow for toddlers to teenagers, we only have two rules that cover everything:

1. Be Kind and

2. First Time Listening.

Here’s my live video explaining our two family rules in more depth:

Positive parenting also rephrases the rules to limit the times we say “no” to our kids so when we have to say “no,” our kids know we mean business.

Plus, when you tell kids what you want rather than what you don’t want, it’s easier for them to listen.

• Instead of No running, we say Walk
• Instead of No hitting, we say Gentle hands
• Instead of No yelling, we say Use a quieter voice
• Instead of Don’t take off your sunglasses, we say Keep your glasses on.

4. Natural Consequences Rather Than Physical Punishment

If we teach our kids they can’t hit, adults can’t hit either. Positive parenting absolutely does not involve corporal punishment of any kind.

We avoid timeouts.

But we do time-ins. We give them a space and place to calm down and reset if needed.

And we focus on connecting with our kids in positive ways that will encourage positive behavior.

And we do natural consequences.

• If my kids don’t put on their shoes, we can’t go to the park.
• If my daughter doesn’t keep her glasses on, we can’t leave the house.
• If they won’t put on their coat, they will be cold.
• If they take off their seat belt in the car, the car stops and we’re late to wherever we’re going.

5. Offer them Real Praise

My kids always prefer real praise over the canned, “I love it,” “It’s beautiful,” and “Good job.”

And when we do offer them praise for a job well done, we save it for when we really mean it.

Positive parenting tends to focus on what we observe rather than putting our own opinions on their actions, their decisions, and their artwork.

When kids slide down the slide, instead of saying “Good job,” we say “That looks like fun” or “You did it” or “That looked fun.”

When kids draw a picture, instead of “It’s pretty,” we say “You worked hard on that” or “You used a lot of colors” or “Tell me about what you drew.”

This works because when you really do love their artwork and you really do think it’s pretty, you can say it and they’ll know you really mean it. It’s more valuable.

6. Understand All Behavior is Communication

When our kids are having tantrums and digging their heels in, our kids are telling us something.

They’re mad or frustrated or tired or hungry or feeling out of control.

It’s our job to figure it out what their behavior means.

When we can view a tantrum as our kids trying to tell us something rather than seeing it as them “being bad,” it reframes how we approach the situation.

My daughter throwing her glasses off her face was a two-year-old’s attempt to tell me she didn’t like the way the glasses I handed her fit on her face. She wanted a different pair. But she couldn’t verbalize it.

• I had to not get mad at her for digging her heels in.
• I had to figure out what she was trying to tell me.
• I had to offer her a choice I could live with.

And when my daughter felt empowered to make the decision between the pink and purple glasses, she picked a pair she would keep on her face so her eyes would be protected.

And we walked out the door to her Mommy and Me class with her tiny hand holding my hand, sunglasses firmly on her face.

I got what I wanted and she got what she wanted.

And what could have been a total nightmare tantrum moment, quickly turned into a positive win-win moment.

For both of us.

Love it and want to know more about Positive Parenting? Here’s my ebook with some of my most tried and true positive parenting tips! 

 

The post What is Positive Parenting? And How It Can Make You an Even Better Parent appeared first on Coffee and Carpool: Intentionally Raising Kind Kids.