Inside: Are you struggling with nursing or know another mom who has breastfeeding struggles? For some moms, it’s a natural, easy thing. For the rest of us, nursing just plain sucks. Literally. Read on to find out how I got the courage to finally stop breastfeeding.
My baby, my eldest is turning a decade old in a week.
As I was looking back at her newborn pictures, it took me back to when I was a first time, brand new mama.
After my husband went back to work, it was just me and her. All day, every day.
It was our time to bond. Time to get to know each other. Time to fall in love with each other.
And it was awful.
I had read all the parenting books. I had subscribed to parenting magazines years before I was a parent.
I knew what I was supposed to do.
What good moms were supposed to do.
I was supposed to breastfeed my newborn.
And I just sucked at it. Or she sucked at it. I never figured out which one.
I had financially committed to breastfeeding by buying an expensive Medela breast pump and accessories.
And I had just quit my job to stay home so we could not have afforded formula even if we wanted to.
But more importantly, I had emotionally committed to breastfeeding before I was even showing off my bump.
Breastfeeding was the plan
Of course I would breastfeed my newborn daughter.
‘Breast is best’ messages are everywhere.
And she’ll be smarter if I breastfeed.
She won’t get sick if I breastfeed.
She’ll get better nutrients if I breastfeed.
She’ll be closer to me emotionally if I breastfeed.
She’ll go to college if I breastfeed.
The list went on.
Because what brand new, self-diagnosed perfectionist mom would ever willingly admit that they were going to offer their baby formula instead of doing what they ‘should’ do?
And it was awful from night one on.
In the hospital, she was up all night screaming for milk. The breastfeeding guru nurse aggressively shoved her onto my boob as I just sat there crying alongside my baby.
There was nothing sweet about it.
At home, breastfeeding never got easy and I tried everything I could think of.
I used a boppy. I tried the football hold and the crossover hold and the cradle hold.
I asked friends and family for help.
They were, of course, supportive as they encouraged me to keep trying.
It just has to get better, they reassured me, because it was easy for them.
I pumped meticulously to get more milk. The pumped milk went into the freezer for storage.
But no way could we give it to her and cause nipple confusion from a bottle. Right?
I went to a La Leche meeting. But the La Leche moms just told me there was nothing wrong with her tongue and that she should naturally want to breastfeed. Until she was four and weaned herself.
I read more books. The books all said that if it was painful I was doing it wrong and that it was a natural, beautiful thing. Breastfeeding shouldn’t hurt. Apparently.
Per someone else’s suggestion, I would sit in the sun with my nipples exposed, willing the sun’s rays to heal my bleeding nipples. While they sat inside and snuggled and bonded with my baby.
I used nipple cream and a nipple shield. The nipple shield was my only respite.
I refused to nurse my daughter without that $8 plastic thing.
But it was still so hard.
And so very painful.
Which according to the books is not how breastfeeding works.
It hurt so much I used to literally bang my head against the wall as she breastfed to feel something other than the intensity that I felt on my nipples.
This was anything but natural. This was anything but beautiful. And I started to resent my baby. Forget bonding with her. I dreaded the 3-hour mark when I’d have to nurse her again.
I was exhausted. I was emotionally spent. And I hated every part of feeding her.
But one day, it all changed.
The Words I Needed to Hear to Stop Breastfeeding
My good friend and neighbor came over while I was attempting to nurse my daughter and she brought another neighbor, Krista with her.
Krista saw me struggling.
She heard our mutual friend reassure me to keep going with the breastfeeding and to keep trying until it got better.
But on that day, Krista did something for me that I will forever be in her debt for. She laid her hand on me and very quietly said,
“You know you can quit, right?”
“You don’t have to breastfeed her. She will be absolutely amazing if you keep going, and she will be absolutely amazing if you stop breastfeeding her. It’s okay to quit.
Because ‘Fed is Best.‘”
I just stared at her. I was so shocked by her words.
She gave me permission to change my mind.
She let me off the hook of my promise to myself.
She let me know, mom to mom, woman to woman that it’s okay to stop doing something that’s clearly not working.
I quit breastfeeding that day.
I used up the formula samples the hospital had sent home and then we asked our parents for help to buy the formula we needed.
And from that moment on, I became a better mom.
My daughter and I finally bonded and fell in love. I could feed her and not cry through it. I no longer dreaded her against my skin.
My nipples healed and so did my soul.
I could be a great mama and not breastfeed. All it took was another mom to give me permission.
I have thanked Krista many, many times over the years for her quiet comments that day.
But I’m not sure if she truly ever understood how much confidence she gave me that day.
Confidence to follow my gut, confidence to change my mind, and confidence to quit something that was torturous for me.
All my friends and family had been so supportive with the “you can do it’s,” but it took another mom who struggled with breastfeeding herself to give me the support I really needed.
How moms can help other moms we see struggling
The only way I have ever really repaid her kindness is to pay it forward.
When I see a friend struggling, I quietly whisper permission to them in case that’s what they were waiting for but didn’t know it.
And so I’ll quietly whisper it to you if there’s something you’re struggling with as a mom.
You know, you don’t have to make the organic baby food every day if you don’t want to anymore. It’s okay if you let your twins watch a half-hour television show so you can shower. And you can quit breastfeeding if it’s not working for you.
And just as Krista promised me, I’ll promise you: your baby will be amazing if you keep going and they will be amazing if you quit.
You’ve got to do what’s right for you.
So now pay it forward and offer permission to other mom friends you see struggling.
They’ll thank you for it one day.
Do you have a friend who needs permission for something?
What do you wish someone whispered to you and gave you permission for as a first time mom?
If you’re still wanting to give breastfeeding the old college try, go for it! Breastfeeding can be awesome! Here’s some support if you need and want it.
Here’s some more support. Good Luck!
Shell says
Good for you for doing what was right for you and not feeling like you had to stick to one way of doing things… I was easily able to nurse, but my sister struggled and was miserable for awhile until she switched to formula and she felt so relieved …
Nicole Black says
You’ve got to do what you gotta do as a mom. It’s so easy to get bogged down in the “shoulds” of parenting.
Janelle says
Fed is best!!! In whatever way works for mom and baby. I breastfed both of my kids – and while it was easy for us, my answer to EVERY mom is that formula-fed babies still go to college. So do whatever is best for you, your baby, and your family. Fed is always best!
Nicole Black says
I love this new movement of Fed is Best. I wish with all my heart it had been around when I was struggling. I wouldn’t have waited so long to make changes that worked for us. Love, love, love formula fed babies still go to college. Amazing.
McKayla says
Reading this gave me chills, because I endured the same pain while breastfeeding and I could just feel it while I was reading. I remember gritting my teeth and squeezing my fist as she started to nurse. My eyes would flood with tears, and it was awful. Thankfully, this lasted the first 4 weeks, and then went away. I fell in love with nursing after that. But while it was happening I contemplated quitting every time. The only reason I didn’t is because I felt it slowly becoming less painful, so I had hopes it would eventually go away. Thank God it did.
Nicole Black says
Oh I’m so glad it got better for you!! It didn’t get easier for me until my third baby, but then once I found my rhythm, I had to stop suddenly due to a medical condition. Me and breastfeeding were not meant to be, I guess.
Jenn says
I just had my third baby a few weeks ago and I’ve had a struggle to nurse every single time. Your photo on this post cracked me up. I feel like that’s what my daughter feels like while she is screaming and frantic for milk but won’t latch on! We are using a shield now and it’s going better but I wish it would have just gone smoothly from the start just one time! (I did breastfeed my older two successfully for 8.5 months and then 18 months but I had 2 months of hell before I felt like it ever went well)
Nicole Black says
Thank you so much for your comment Jenn…Breastfeeding is not easy and I used to throw away any books or articles that suggested otherwise. It is not easy. I’m glad you’re trying a shield. Good for you for keep trying if that’s what you want to do. Just know you have a girlfriend’s permission (mine) to stop when it no longer works for you and your baby! Good luck!
June says
This is such a great encouragement for moms struggling with nursing! Loved every word. No more mom guilt. We need more Kristas in the world.
Nicole Black says
Agreed. No more mom guilt and more Kristas in the world!
Anne says
I am struggling too. I want to breast feed but can’t. So I pump constantly and stress about barely getting enough. I hate myself for having to supplement with formula and hide this fact from everyone because everyone seems to think breast feeding is best and natural and already judge that I have to pump “just keep working at it and it will happen, it’s worth it” I am so sick of the comments I dread feeding my baby around others.
Thank you for this awesome, supportive blog. Finally my tears are for joy 😊
Nicole Black says
Oh, Anne. I’m so sorry you’re struggling with breastfeeding. It’s not as easy for everyone as the books would have you believe. I always struggle with the judgment of others too. A simple, yet kind response to the “Breast is Best” comments is: “Fed is Best.” And if you need to stop breastfeeding/pumping to make your life easier, or more enjoyable, or to better connect with your baby, do it. From one mom to another, you have permission to do what’s right for you and your baby. Good luck. <3
Kayla says
This made me cry. Thank you for the “permission”! Why do we feel like we need it?!? It’s so true! I struggled breastfeeding for two months. Bleeding nipples, pink milk, pumping, lactation pills, nipple shields… you name it I did it until my supply dropped. I still feel guilt every time I have to give my daughter formula instead of breastmilk because no one makes you feel confident or good about that. Everything is breast is best and I felt so worthless for not being able to give my daughter what I’m supposed to be able to do. Thanks for this post. Still pumping and using formula and I feel good that I’m doing all I can for my daughter!
Nicole Black says
Oh Kayla, I’m sorry you struggle with breastfeeding too. You’re not “supposed” to do anything except feed your baby and love them. Fed is beast needs to be tattooed somewhere. 🙂 Good luck to you and your darling daughter baby. You for now and always have “permission” to do what’s best for you and your daughter.
Ritu Bhathal says
I can relate to this so much! When my first was born I tried… and tried. 4 weeks went by with the encouraging “you can do it!” calls and the “it’s best for baby” advice of health visitors. After a night when I felt like it fed for 5 hours non stop and he still didn’t stop grizzling and crying, I handed him to my mother in law. She managed to rub his back and settle him… and he puked up all the milk he’d drank.
I looked at him and the measly amount I was able to express and cried.
My mum and mum in law then both told me they’d not breast fed and things were fine.
I took the step to bottle feed and was relieved that he finally drank what looked like a full feed… then cried because I felt I must have been starving him.
I still wonder whether if I’d just bottle from the beginning… He’s have grown more. He’s still a little lad compared to his peers.
My daughter was a different story… 9 months on the boob and I could feed and express simultaneously too!
But then she’s smaller than a lot of her friends too.
Maybe I just have pocket sized kids!
But seriously, the best advice we can give our new mums is
Do what’s best for YOU.
Nicole Black says
Yes! “Do what’s best for you” should be every mother’s motto!!!!