How to Stay Calm as a Parent When You're Triggered

Inside: Use these 8 strategies to help you stay calm as a parent when you’re triggered by your kids’ behavior. If you want to yell less and stay calm more, this will help.

Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.

Big girls don’t cry.

Act your age.

Pull it together.

Put on your big girl panties and deal with it.

Grow up.

When we were kids, this is probably what we heard when dealing with big emotions or hard moments. If you grew up in the ’80s or ’90s like me, you were most likely never taught that it’s okay to have big emotions. And we were never taught how to deal with those big emotions.

So now that we’re creating space for our kids to have big emotions, it can be super triggering for us when they let their hair down, act out, melt down, have a tantrum, or yell at us.

And when we’re triggered, we often yell, escalating the situation, and making everything worse.

If you’re parenting and want to yell less or stop yelling, we have to figure out how to get calm and stay calm.

How to Stay Calm as a Parent When You’re Triggered:

When we’re triggered, it can be quick to blame our kids and dismiss staying calm because of them.

I can’t gentle parent because my kids aren’t gentle.

My kids won’t listen so I have to yell to be heard.

They won’t do what I say unless I yell.

But being triggered, even when your kids are tap dancing on our last nerves, is an us problem, not a them problem; we have to figure out how to regulate our emotions regardless of how our kids are behaving.

There are several ways to stay calm when you’re triggered. It’s simple, but it’s not easy. It takes intentional practice.

1. Recognize You’re Being Triggered

As GI Joe used to say, knowing is half the battle.

Pause and check in with yourself to ask, “How am I feeling?” If you’re starting to feel riled up, starting to feel a pit in your stomach, or feeling hot, or getting agitated, you’re having a physical reaction to being triggered.

Start to label it: I’m feeling triggered. I am triggered. I’m really upset. This is upsetting me.

This is more about recognizing your emotions which is the first big step in emotional regulation. Eventually, you’ll start to notice being triggered earlier, so you don’t get to the point where you feel out of control or blow up at your kids and yell.

Start to know what triggers you. For me, it’s when my kids are unkind or rude to each other and me or when I’m ignored.

2. Take Deep Breaths

We have to retrain ourselves to self-regulate and manage our big emotions because we were never taught how to do this.

So we have to get ourselves calm on our own and one simple way to do that is to take deep breaths, with your eyes closed.

This will not only regulate your breathing, it will slow down your heartbeat, regulate your nervous system ,and get big hits of oxygen to your brain so you can think clearer.

If you need help with this, take a deep breath for 5-6 seconds, hold it for 5-6 seconds, exhale for 5-6 seconds, and have no air in your lungs for 5-6 seconds. You can use a square in your mind to visualize the breathing.

3. Walk Away and Calm Down Before Responding

We will not parent well, or in a way we’re proud of, when we’re triggered.

No one can do anything well when they’re triggered.

So if it’s safe, walk away from the spill, the fight (once kids are separated), the yelling, or the rule-breaking. Go into a bathroom, a bedroom or a closet, close your eyes and count to ten.

Regulate your emotions, your reactions, and your body.

When you’re calm, then go parent. It will go 10x better if you come back to parent when you’re calm.

4. Challenge Yourself that the Crazier they Get, the Calmer You Get

We can escalate the situation or we can de-escalate the situation.

If our kids yell, and then we yell, they’ll most likely yell right back and the vicious cycle will continue.

But if our kids yell and we whisper, they may yell again, and we’ll whisper again, they will eventually calm themselves down to meet our energy.

We do not need to follow our kids down the “rabbit hole” into crazy town.

Even if we’re triggered, if we’re calm, then we can stay calm even when our kids are not calm.

Challenge yourself–almost as a game: the crazier they get, the calmer you get.

We use a phrase during this de-escalation time with our kids: Try Again.

Here’s how we use that phrase to get them to calm themselves down and speak with more kindness.

5. Remind Yourself You’re the Only Adult in the Relationship

When I’m having a conversation with my kids, it’s helpful to remind myself of this perspective: I am the only adult in this relationship.

I’ve had 40 years of practice managing my emotions, and they’ve only had 8 years, or 14 years or 17 years of practice.

If I can’t manage my emotions, how can I expect them to?

So we have to remember we’re modeling for our kids how to respond to others when they’re triggered and even if we’re annoyed, frustrated, or mad, we have to be the bigger person and not dump our emotions on them.

We still get to be mad, frustrated, and annoyed.

We’re just not going to take it out on them (even if they’re the cause of our anger, frustration or annoyance).

6. Label It For Your Kids

To help my kids start to regulate their own emotions and build up their emotional intelligence, I label my big emotions for them.

I will tell my kids: I’m feeling overwhelmed and I need to get calm before I can say anything else.

I let my kids see me calm myself down, again to model how to handle big emotions.

7. Set Clear Boundaries Outloud

We have to set clear boundaries for our kids to help guide them to make kind choices that align with our family values.

We use phrases like:

“You may not talk to me this way.”

“We don’t talk to each other like that in this family”

“You are a kind kid but you forgot.”

“Keep your hands to yourself.”

“You can be mad but you can not be mean.”

“We don’t slam doors. Close it quietly.”

“This is not how we treat our belongings. If you throw things, I’ll put them away somewhere safe.”

“Sit on the couch, we do not jump.”

“Use a quiet, calm voice. I do not like to be yelled at.”

“I’m going to help you make better choices.”

8. Be Consistent, Stay Consistent

None of this is easy, but the more often you practice, the more often you are consistent, the easier it will be and the more enjoyable parenting will be.

You will be triggered less often, but when you are triggered, you won’t melt down and lose control and yell as often.

Your kids will know what to expect from you which will make them feel safe and loved.

And you’ll enjoy your kids more and your kids will enjoy you more.

Which is the ultimate goal on this crazy parenting journey.

You got this.