Inside: There are many different kinds of bullying, and it all needs to end. You can help stop bullying in schools and on playgrounds with this one simple solution you can teach your kids today.
My fourth-grade daughter has been bringing home more than just homework and art projects from school.
She’s coming home with stories about being teased and about being bullied.
Now I’ve been a mom for -gulp-a decade now and I remember the early days of being up all night trying desperately to breastfeed or calm infants with high fevers. I survived sleep training, potty training, and the never-ending toddler tantrums. I naively thought that I was in the toughest parenting moments I would ever face.
I thought it couldn’t possibly get any harder than this.
And then the universe laughed at me.
Because my infants and toddlers grew up into actual people who have to interact with other actual people. Mean people.
And we’ve now come face to face with real-life bullies.
These kids are specifically ganging up on my kid. Simply because she’s an easy target. She’s new to the school. And she has a disability.
This isn’t just cruel teasing.
“Your shoes are babyish. Your glasses are ugly. You’re ugly.”
We’ve taught her to let those comments roll-off.
People say nasty things and you get to decide how you’re going to react to it.
You can choose sadness or anger or indifference.
If you love your glasses and your Hello Kitty shoes, who really cares what they think?
But bullying is different.
It’s consistent. It’s repetitive. It’s pre-meditated and malicious. It’s often being ganged up on and outnumbered and it has to stop.
Now.
Related: The true definition of bullying and why you need to know it.
Here’s what we know about bullies. They pick out kids who are different.
Bullies go for the easy target because it’s, well, easy.
Several national studies have shown that our kids with special needs are two to three times as likely to be bullied than kids without disabilities. And that’s unacceptable.
Bullies get a kick out of others’ discomfort. They cause years of emotional damage. And they can cause real physical damage—either by their own hands or when the child being bullied feels so unsafe or alone they harm themselves.
And it has been proven that most bullies have usually been bullied themselves at home by a parent or by an older sibling. So I almost feel sorry for bullies. Almost.
But none of it matters when it’s your kid being bullied.
Because hearing my daughter’s stories, picturing her at school having these things done to her makes me absolutely sick to my stomach. My whole body aches at the mere thought of her pain. And I want to hit something. Or someone.
Because under all of my anger is actually fear.
Fear that the bullying is causing her even more damage than we realize. What, if anything, is she not telling me? What am I missing? How is she really? Is she coping in a healthy way? Am I helping her enough?
News reports of the eight-year-old Ohio boy being bullied and then committing suicide keep me up at night. Who’s next? What kiddo in my neighborhood needs real help and we’re all missing the signs? Is it my daughter?
Related: How to Emotionally Protect Your Bullied Child
So we ask our daughter questions about her day: Who did you sit with at lunch? Who did you play with? Did anyone say or do anything today that hurt you?
And we tell our daughter repetitively: We’re here for you. You can tell us anything. We will always help you. You are loved.
Of course, we’ve talked to her teacher. We’ve had conferences. We’ve documented everything. We encourage our daughter to stick with friends or friendly people at recess and lunch and we taught her to never be alone at school.
And we’ve taught her how to decide who her real, true friends are using this checklist.
We’ve enlisted the help of her classmates by way of reaching out to other parents. We’ve rolled it up to the administration. We’ve asked PE coaches and lunch ladies to be on the lookout.
Her Girl Scout sisters know to come to her aid if they see things the teachers don’t. And we’ve enrolled our daughter in karate to increase her confidence. (If you need help with this, here are the best martial arts for kids).
And incidentally, although it clearly doesn’t matter, we’re at one of the “good” schools: an upper middle class, suburban, award-winning school with Character Counts posters hanging in every hallway. We moved to this town specifically for their amazing schools.
But bullying still happens here. Because bullying happens everywhere.
How to Stop Bullying With This One Simple Trick
The one thing that gives me hope is something a new friend shared with me. In talking with her son who witnessed my daughter being bullied, she now teaches him that he cannot be a bystander.
She told her son that not bullying someone isn’t enough anymore.
He has to actively stop it.
If he sees something, he has to say something. To an adult later, sure. But more importantly, right at that moment, to the bully. He has to be the one to step in.
It was a lightbulb moment.
We have to explicitly and actively teach our kids to not be bystanders. To not be passive observers during someone else’s Worst Moment. To do more than just not participate in the bullying.
But knowing how to help our children get ready for when they see bullying–or worse, are bullied–can be tricky.
We need to have these conversations now, before our child encounters a bully. Before they see bullying happen to a friend or classmate. Or before they themselves are bullied.
They need to know what to do.
They need to know that we are here to support them.
And parents can help their children by starting to talk about what a real friend looks like and ways to prevent bullying.
Talking to Your Kids About Bullying and Bullying Prevention
Not sure what to talk about?
These three free printables will give you 24 different conversation starters you can use at home during family dinners or in the car or when you’re tucking your kids into bed.
(Teachers- use them during morning meetings or as you’re waiting for the bell to ring.)
You can run through scenarios and what if’s with your child and guide them through tricky social situations.
Because we have to give our kids the words they’ll need so they can be an ally when—not if—the time comes that they encounter a bully.
And we need to practice with them:
Stop.
Stop now.
You can’t say that to them.
I won’t let you hurt them.
You can’t treat my friend like that.
And just like that, even with words as simple as “stop,” the bully no longer has all the power. Because now the person being targeted knows they’re not alone. They’re literally and figuratively not in this by themselves. They’ve got a friend and they’ve got backup. Someone who will stand with them and for them.
And it only takes One person to take a stand.
And that can make all the difference in the world to someone being bullied.
I know it has for my daughter.
And hopefully, until we can finally put an end to bullying everywhere, that’ll be enough.
Download the Bully Prevention Discussion Starters here.
Want to Bully-Proof Your Kids? Click here.
Loren says
I love this post Nicole! It’s a scary thing to face as a parent. I worry all the time about Colton being bullied simply because he has red hair and looks different than most of the kids that he is friends with. I recently watched a video that said exactly the same thing that you’re saying…you can’t just sit back and watch someone be bullied because then you are just as guilty as the one doing the bullying. I know that it’s hard to step up sometimes and have a voice, but we have to teach our kids to look out for others at all times. I tell my kids every single day, you don’t have to like everyone, but you have to be kind, always. Keep up the great writing!
Nicole Black says
Thanks Loren! It is super hard to step up and say something even for adults so I can only imagine how scary it can be for our kids. That’s why we need to practice it with them! My neighbor tells her kids all the time: It’s never wrong to do the right thing. 🙂
Corina says
This is a powerful story thank you so much for sharing. I am so sorry your daughter had to go through this. Bullying has to be stopped I agree 100%. My 4 year old will start school soon and I hope this will not happen to him and if he sees someone getting bullied he will help to stop it.
Nicole Black says
Thanks Corina. It takes practice to teach our kids how to stand up to bullies. Hopefully, he’ll never have to experience it.
Samantha says
This is devastating. I am so incredibly upset for Addison, and for you. I love the strength and courage you are instilling in your sweet girl. 100% – without the bystander there is no bullying. And while that sounds easy, I think it can be very hard. It most always means having to stand up to the “cool” kids (risking yourself as the next target) and even could mean standing up to their own best friends. Hopefully our kids are making better choices in friends, but this is where kids start to stand up to peer pressure. To go out on a limb and be an independent thinker. Would love to see a post on kids standing up to peer pressure, including standing up for fellow kids when they are being targeted. We need to equip our kids with the words that empower them against these bullies. I became a mediator in middle school, and as I recall there is specific language that disarms and disengagees conflict. You have inspired me to research this and teach Gwen this language so she is prepared to squash bullying if she sees it.
Nicole Black says
Thank you so much Samantha! I agree that while standing up to your friends is simple, it’s really very hard. Standing up to peers is a huge topic that should be covered more! I’ll start researching it too myself and we can compare notes!
Meg says
Thanks for posting! I just had my very first bully talk with my 4 year olds, inspired by this post!
Nicole Black says
I’m so glad it resonated with you Meg. 4 year olds can absolutely start hearing about standing up for friends and being an includer if they see someone being targeted.
Shelly says
It really depends on the bully and the situation. My daughter was friends with the “bully” the “queen bee” and when she spoke out and defended others it all turned around on her. It was so bad that she switched schools for grade 6. The school was useless with their anti-bulling programs. The bullys mother worked at the school as an aid…This was many years ago and it still strikes a chord and always will when I read these articles…and yes the girl was raised on “days of our lives” and her mom bullied her as well….so manipulation was just part of her upbringing.
Nicole Black says
It’s a sad fact that almost all bullies are being bullied at home. It doesn’t make it any easier when it’s your kid though. And it’s super tricky when kids are socially punished for doing the right thing. That must have been hard to watch as a parent, and hard to go through as a young girl. But she will look back years later and know in her heart of hearts that standing up and defending other was a brave choice.
Lauren says
Another good book great for a younger audience is “One.” Great article Nicole!
Nicole Black says
I will check that out- thank you!
Allison says
Character Counts as a program is useless, in our experience. My son was bullied in all ways possible at a school that touted their catholic values and their Character Counts program. In the end they asked us to remove our son, the victim, from the school. You want to know why? Because it was too much trouble for them to learn how to support a child with ASD. The biggest bully was the Middle School Principal, who did everything she could to not listen to me asking for help at the first warning signs of bullying…..and did what she could to oust us.
Nicole Black says
I’m so sorry you had such a negative experience with the administrators at the school. Hopefully he’s in a better environment.
Kori says
I’m so incredibly fortunate that my autistic daughter attends a private school with fellow kids on the spectrum so this hasn’t been one of my worries. However, I am doing whatever I can to make sure that her younger (NT) sister doesn’t become one of those bullies.
Great post!
Nicole Black says
I’m SO glad your daughter is in an (emotional) safe place and that you’re raising your daughter not to be a bystander!
Naomi Jesson says
See something…Say something
Nicole Black says
Yes! It’s a great reminder for kids and us adults!
Marta says
Good evening all! I just read this post (spot on!) and wanted to briefly share that we encourage our two boys (9 and 7) to step in if they see someone being hurt and/or bullied. More specifically, we tell them regularly that they have “our permission” to help anyone being picked on. I also remind them that “mom’s got YOUR back” should intervening lead to everyone “in trouble” with other adults. I personnally believe that no-tolerance rules can often punish the victims and keep others from acting in the moment. By telling my boys in advance that I will support them in a decision to help, I feel they are more likely to not second guess such a situation since they already have my permission to get involved immediately.
Nicole Black says
That’s incredible Marta! I love that you are pre-teaching them how you are going to react and that you fully support them making a brave choice! We need more of this!
Shirrell says
So true! I will be teaching this to my children.
Kerry says
The program we used at our (public) middle school is actually called Aggressors – Victims – Bystanders so, yes, it is crucial that we all remember that silence allows bullying. Victims should also be reminded that a bully never stops at one: others will be saved if the victim speaks up. Thank you for sharing and much love to your very brave daughter.
Emma T says
This is a great post, and so true. It nearly made me cry that there are people who will step in to help people being bullied. I hope to teach this to my son as well
Nicole Black says
Sadly, it’s not just our kids that need to stand up to bullies… it’s a great reminder for all of us!
Brenda says
That is a great idea to teach your child to stand up for others. My youngest son is entering 5th grade, so this is good advice for him.
Nicole Black says
My daughter is going into 5th grade. It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to bullies. But if we all teach our children to do it, the world will be a better place!
Mia - www.formomslike.me says
Thanks for this article! You are right – kids learning to actively stand up for what is right would be so helpful in these situations.
Sonia says
Hi, here is an article I find amazing, about how Finland handled bullying, very much in aligment about what you share. we have to teach bystanders to step up and disempower the bully. Heres the link: http://www.educationworld.com/a_admin/rubin/effective-bullying-prevention-program.shtml
Hope it helps.
Nicole Black says
Thank you so much! I will definitely be looking into their program to gain more insight!
Adriana says
Thank you so much, my son is being bully for being smart, yep being smart, that hasn’t sunk in. But reading this help me so much I have been feeling like the worse mom that I cannot fix it or go away , nobody realizes that by your son or daughter being bullied, you hearing the stories it also changes and affects the parents a lot.
Nicole Black says
I’m so sorry Adriana that your son is being bullied. Kids get bullied for being different, and since smart can be different, that is common. The effect on parents is so hard too, you’re right. Please reach out to your son’s teacher and school to get him the help he needs. And don’t forget to reach out to friends so you can get the support you need also. Best of luck.
Tamara Mason says
NIcole, I love the information you give on raising kind kids and bullying prevention. I nominated you for the Mystery Blogger Award. You can read about it in this post. https://www.empoweredsinglemoms.com/10-motivational-blogs-you-need-to-read/
Paula says
What does a parent do if their child is accused of bullying behaviors by another child who lies/leaves out part of the story and purposely tries to get their child in trouble. One incident was even accidentally caught on video and shows no intent on the part of my child, as the other kid insisted there was…my child doesn’t seem to care but how do I know.? How do I stop the other child and family from spreading rumors that aren’t true, because the child is lying to his parents?