Inside: Use these kind, respectful parenting one liners will help make gentle parenting easier. Get a free printable list.
It can feel overwhelming and triggering when we’re trying to get dinner on the table and homework done and kids are coming at us with requests, demands, whining, and behaviors they know are unacceptable.
When we’re triggered and overwhelmed, that’s when we feel burned out, lose our minds, yell, or lash out at our kids.
Parenting is not easy. It will never be easy.
And if you want to raise kind, respectful kids, it’s definitely not easy.
But we can make it easier.
And one of the ways we do that is with our parenting one liners. We shared these kind, respectful parenting one liners on TikTok in a now viral video and in a part 2 video and wanted to share them here with you.
The video has resonated with so many people, it also got picked up by Upworthy and Scary Mommy, sharing that these “one-liners serve as quippy shortcuts for the lessons you’re tired of repeating.”
We use these quick one liners with our children when we have to repeat something we say often, when we need to remind them quickly of something, or if we’re desperately trying to avoid being triggered by their behaviors.
These one liners work for things that are negotiable (ice cream for dessert or going to the park) and things that are non-negotiable (using slurs or crossing the street without holding our hand).
These kind, respectful parenting one liners also work in classrooms for educators, in social groups like Scouts, and when you’re dealing with rude, inconsiderate adults.
But there are some guidelines when we use these kind, respectful parenting one liners.
1. The lines need to be kind and respectful if we want to teach our kids how to be kind and respectful. There are plenty of one-liners that should never be said to anyone anymore, let alone children. (There also a Boomer Parenting One Liners Video and How to Say it Now).
2. The one liners need to be said in a kind and respectful way since one of our go to parenting one liners is “it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.”
3. Children need to understand what they really mean and that takes meaningful conversations when we are calm and in a good place to explain things to them.
4. Since we don’t want to raise obedient robots who are scared of us, we have to know there will be some push back, some questioning, and some “back talk.” We must calmly, clearly, and consistently tell them whether something is negotiable or when it is non-negotiable.
5. You can print out the whole list (download below) and use them all or use the ones that resonate most with you. Try not to feel overwhelmed by the list. Use what you can and make it a part of your everyday life, then add in another one when you’re ready. Start with the behaviors that trigger you the most.
Kind and Respectful Parenting One Liners (and Where to Get More Resources)
1. You can be mad, but you can’t be mean.
This validates children’s big emotions and reminds them all emotions are okay, but all behaviors are not.
Some variations:
You can be mad, but you can’t hit.
You can be mad, but you can’t speak to me that way.
You can be mad, but we keep our hands to ourselves.
For more resources on helping kids with this read this article on How to Encourage Kids to Stay Kind When Kids are Mean to Them.
2. Every family has different rules.
This helps explain why their best friend can stay up until midnight or why we have to leave the park early to finish homework or why we require bike helmets when their friends don’t have to wear them.
It helps answer the questions that start with “How come she can…?” or “How come he gets to…?”
Kids know they’re different from other kids, and not only is that okay, it’s great to be different.
I also use this saying when my kids’ friends can’t do something they’re allowed to do to help explain why their friends can’t join them on a walking trip to Starbucks or can’t come for a sleepover.
Sometimes it works in my kids’ favor, and sometimes it doesn’t. And that’s okay.
It’s the updated kind version of “Because I said so.”
Here are our Two Family Rules.
3. We don’t comment on other people’s bodies.
Every body is different and differences are great.
So we have conversations about different abled people and how our brains and our bodies all work differently.
We also remind kids that if someone can fix a “problem” in 5-30 seconds, we tell them (they have something in their teeth, their fly is down, they have their skirt tucked into their underwear.
This line is for when kids are negatively commenting on someone’s body or comparing bodies or describing someone’s body behind their back.
No thank you.
There are a million other ways to describe someone and we encourage kids to find another way.
4. Asked and answered!
This one is used when kids ask the same questions over and over again trying to change the answer.
We have to first explain: You have asked me the question. I heard you. I have answered the question and you heard me. My answer will not change. I’m sorry if you don’t like the answer, but that’s the answer. So it’s now asked and answered.
Then, if they repeat the question again, I can now say “asked and answered” because they understand what I mean when I say it.
My job is to hold the boundary that I’ve set. Their job as they see it is to test that boundary.
Without losing my mind or yelling, I have to keep holding true to the boundary, and “asked and answered” is a really simple way to do that.
5. Don’t yuk someone else’s yum.
This one is to get kids to recognize that what they like is not going to be the same as what other people like. Again, we’re all different and that’s fantastic.
We all march to the beat of a different drum so you do you, let them do them.
You have no idea if the food that looks gross to you is actually delicious to them.
You have no idea if the hobby they love doing looks boring or seems dumb to you.
You have no idea if the outfit they’re wearing that you think looks ridiculous makes them feel confident and great.
Keep the comments to yourself and don’t rain on someone else’s parade in a thoughtless comment that could be hurtful.
6. You don’t have to be friends with everyone, but you do have to be friendly.
We don’t force friendships because that can lead to dangerous relationships or bullying behaviors.
But we do need to be polite and friendly towards others. We can say “hi,” “thank you,” and “excuse me.”
It’s okay not to like everyone. It’s okay not to be friends with everyone.
But we don’t need to ignore people or make rude comments, even if we’re not friends with them and even if we don’t like them.
Related: How to Help Kids Learn about Different Kinds of Friendships
7. Stop means stop. No means no.
This helps kids understand really clear boundaries. These are the non-negotiable, listen the first time, just do it moments so kids need practice to really listen when these words are said.
It could be used when siblings are playing and behaviors start to escalate and one sibling is no longer enjoying the “play.”
It can be said when someone is laughing like during tickling but has reached their limit.
It can be said to stand up to bullies and bullying behaviors.
It’s life-saving when you yell “stop” as a kid runs after a ball toward the street.
It is a life lesson moment when our kids grow up, are dating, and are alone with a significant other.
They need to know that stop and no are full sentences and should be listened to immediately. It starts with reminding them that “stop means stop and no means no.”
8. Is that a good choice for your body?/Make good choices/ Make Better Choices!
When kids are little and climb high or are extra adventurous, we can ask “Is that a good choice for your body?” It gets them to pause and reflect on their behavior.
If they are unable to see they’re in a precarious or dangerous situation, we can say “Make a better choice” meaning what you’re doing right now isn’t working and you need to make a correction. I have also said “I‘m going to help you make better choices” when they’re doing something incredibly dangerous or something that is not allowed.
And when I send my kids off to be independent, the last thing I say to them after “I love you” is “Make good choices.”
“Make good choices” is a constant reminder they’re in control of their behavior, they know the difference between good choices and not so great choices, and they’re hearing my expectation of them that I trust them to make good choices when I’m not there to remind them.
9. I’m sorry is just words. A real apology is a change in behavior.
We want our kids to make amends when they make a mistake or hurt someone or are thoughtless. But too often kids are quick to throw out an “I’m sorry” without thinking about the meaning of the words.
So to combat the superfluous “I’m sorry” comments that are empty and don’t mean anything, we remind them that a real apology, a real “I’m sorry” means a change in behavior.
It means not taking your sister’s shirt again. It means not breaking the rules. It means not sneaking your phone after it was plugged in for the night on the charger.
Don’t keep doing it and then say “I’m sorry.”
A real apology means taking steps to not make the same mistake twice (or over and over again.)
10. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
We don’t use sarcasm in our family because it can be misunderstood or quickly turn hurtful.
While many people love sarcasm and joke that sarcasm is their love language, in our home it’s one of the 15 Surprising Things We’ve Banned to Have a Kind Home.
So instead, we remind kids to mean what they say and say what they mean.
Instead of “I just love it when you took my shirt without asking,” say “I don’t like it when you take my shirt without asking. Don’t do it again, please.”
Say what you mean so it’s clear and mean what you say so they understand your message.
11. Try again!
We use this when kids speak with nasty, snarky, rude, discourteous, “back talk.”
Meaning, you said that in a really awful way, so you need a rewind and a do over, so try it again. Say what you were saying in a kinder way.
We remind kids they can be mad without being mean, and we remind them they may not speak to us this way because we don’t speak to them this way.
And then we respectfully request them to say it again in a more respectful way: “Try again.”
The trick with this one is to stay super calm as you remind them, often multiple times to try again until they say what they’re saying in a semi-kind, semi-respectful way you can live with. The extra salty tweens and teens may need many tries before they muster it.
This Magic Phrase Will Stop Your Kid’s “Attitude” Problem
12. Who is it funny for?
If kids have to say “just kidding” or “no offense” it’s probably not that funny.
So many kids want to be funny but they don’t know how, so they go for the cheap shot. And that usually involves making fun of someone else or making them the brunt of the joke.
Kids often need to be asked, “Who’s it funny for?” If it’s not funny for the person you were making fun of, it’s not funny. If the whole group is laughing except the one kid the “joke” was about, it’s not funny.
Instead, we can teach kids real jokes so they can be funny without stepping on someone else to do it.
Here’s How to Help Your Kids Be Funny Without Being Mean.
13. Are you tattling or telling?
Kids have to know the difference between tattling and telling and we have to teach them.
This is important when our kids are little so they learn to problem solve, stand up for themselves, ask for what they want, and we don’t have to play referee on playdates.
It’s also essential so we know when to get involved to help a child who is hurt or about to get hurt.
This is essential information when our kids are older and a friend tells them something that requires immediate adult intervention. Because my daughter knew the difference, she told me when her friend was talking about taking her own life even though her friend told her not to tell anyone. We got her the intervention she needed in time because my daughter knew she was telling, not tattling.
14. It’s okay to be scared/sad/nervous/mad.
This is another way to validate those big emotions and to give kids space to have those emotions.
You can be scared and do it anyway. Being brave is being scared but doing it anyway.
You can be sad. You’re allowed to be sad. I can sit here next to you while you’re sad or I can give you space.
It allows kids to not have to hide or repress their emotions which is the healthier way to deal with emotions.
15. Do you want help or do you want me to listen?
We can ask kids what they want from us to help them set really clear boundaries.
It’s a form of how can I help you that empowers kids to start to think about what they want and how they want to be comforted.
Do you want a hug? Do you want advice or my opinion? Do you want me to listen? Do you want me to just sit here and be totally quiet?
When kids are having a tough time or going through a rough situation, knowing you’re there for them but also knowing you’ll respect their boundaries is a huge gift we can give our kids.
And it’s a powerful choice they have control over. What we may want in a similar situation may not be what they want, and it’s a great reminder for us.
16. You can’t control someone else’s actions, you can only control your reaction.
When kids are wronged, they want to change it or have us change it and we just can’t always make that happen.
We can’t make other people’s kids kind. We can’t make other people’s kids want to play with our kids. And it’s brutal.
So to empower our kids, we remind them they are in control of one thing and one thing only: how they act and how they react to others.
They get to decide. They can choose how they act and hopefully, how they act lines up with their character and your family values of kindness.
To help kids understand this further, we use this Kindness Cause and Effect Chart to help explain it.
17. We don’t hit. Hitting hurts. Keep your hands to yourself.
Kids need super clear boundaries when it comes to hurting other people and this one can be used for hitting, kicking, pinching, etc.
We let them know this is absolutely unacceptable. We tell them why it’s unacceptable. Then we tell them what we do want them to do instead.
I don’t hit you, you don’t hit me. We don’t hit.
When kids are unable to follow these boundaries, it’s time for us to help them listen and physically create a boundary between them and the person they’re hurting. We can give them a deep bear hug which stops them from being able to hit and we can remove them from the situation until they’ve calmed down and can make amends.
And when they’re calm, that’s when we have the conversation reminding them to keep their hands to themselves and why it’s important.
18. It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.
My mom said this to me all the time and she was right: how you say it matters.
“Thanks” can be said sincerely or can be said dripping with sarcasm, two very different meanings.
Our words matter. But how we’re saying them also has significant meaning. (This is another reason to get rid of sarcasm).
19. Would you say that to a friend?
If you have a child that uses negative self talk and puts themself down, we need to change their inner voice. We need to help them be more kind to themselves.
Kids (and adults too) can be so hard on themselves.
And one simple way to do that is to call them out when you hear the self talk and in a kind way, ask them “Would you say that to a friend?”
If they’re talking about how they suck at math or they look ugly or they’ll never be able to make the basket, ask them: “Would you say that to a friend?” No, you wouldn’t. So you can’t say it about yourself or to yourself.
What we think, affects how we feel, and how we feel affects how we act.
We can change our inner thoughts.
Here’s more info on how to help kids change their self talk so they are kind to themselves.
20. You don’t have to want to do it, but you still have to do it.
This is helpful for kid who don’t want to do chores or don’t want to do self care actions like showering.
You don’t have to like the chores or like showering, but they still need to get done.
I don’t like doing chores, but I still have to do them.
I don’t like going to bed early when I have to get up early, but I still have to do it.
Here’s how to get kids to want to be more helpful when it comes to chores.
21. THINK Method: Is it true? Is it helpful? Is it inspiring? Is it necessary? Is it kind?
We use the Think Method to think through what we’re saying or what we’re about to say because once we say it, we can’t take it back.
This will guide them on whether the words should come out of our mouths.
We hang this poster in the hallway upstairs and in the kitchen where many of the negative sibling interactions occur.
It helps kids be more considerate and mindful of others.
You can get the THINK digital poster here.
22. We keep surprises, not secrets.
Surprises are things we keep to ourselves for a short period of time that people will find out soon, but not right now. It’s a birthday treat, a holiday gift, a surprise party. Surprises are fabulous.
Secrets can be dangerous. Secrets can be mean. Secrets can cause a power struggle in social groups.
And our kids need to know if a grown-up tells them to keep a secret from you, they need to tell you.
We don’t keep secrets.
23. Are you hurt or are you sad?
When I come across a crying child (mine, my friend’s or a random kid), this is my default line to triage their needs. Do I need a first aid kid or do I need to be ready to be super empathetic?
It helps me get into the right mindset to help them the right way: nurse mode or hug and comfort mode?
24. You can hear it, you just can’t say it.
When kids hear cuss words, “adult words,” or adult phrases from parents, aunts, uncles, TV shows, songs, etc., we often need something to acknowledge and diffuse the situation.
In our house, we use the phrase “you can hear it, you just can’t say it,” meaning it’s not against the rules for you to be around the words, but those words aren’t supposed to come out of your mouth.
We have changed the rules when our kids became teenagers. Our two cussing rules for teens is to know their audience and their environment. They can not use the words around someone older than themselves (me, their teachers, my friends, their grandparents) or kids who are younger than them (siblings, neighbors, their friends’ siblings). And, they can’t cuss at someone. (F*ck is a very different meaning than f*ck you.) But again, every family has different rules, so you do you.
25. You don’t have to like them but you can’t recruit other people not to like them.
We’re going to squash “mean girl” behavior if we want to raise kind kids. We’re not going to spread rumors or talk badly about others or shun kids.
We all have people we don’t like. That’s okay. But we’re not going to get other people to not like them. Instead, we keep out mouths shut.
This came from @The Lady Sarah in our TikTok community and I absolutely love it to help stop the culture of “mean girls.”
Here’s what to do if you’re worried your kid might be the mean girl.
But remember, these kind, respectful parenting one liners only work if you spend the time to really help your kids understand the meaning behind them so that when you’re at your wits end, you can use them and hopefully, stay calm and keep your sanity.
Get a print out of the parenting one liners here.
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